Learning the Hard Way,  Thoughts,  Writings

Down time

What to do in the downtime.  Being a submissive has its obvious challenges.  We could go on forever talking about them and breaking them down from perspectives to opinions to preferences.  My main challenge is I am, for lack of a better term, a part-time sub.  Let me explain.

My Dom, who I call Sir, started as just a friend.  (I know, nothing new there).  But I truly wasn’t expecting anything more than friendship.  We both got young dogs at the same time and bonded over the joys and perils of raising puppies.  We had a lot in common.  Including that we were both in relationships.  I don’t remember how the topic of sex came up, but I’m sure it started with harmless flirting.  One thing leads to another and he hinted at what his deal was.  I was intrigued as I had always had an interest in BDSM although I wasn’t aware of what it was.  So that was the beginning.  At some point maybe I will share the rest.  But for now, that is enough to help you catch up.

Fast forward to a lot of learning, a lot of heartaches and a lot of changes, I find myself alone and facing the rest of my life single.  My Sir is still a part of my life, however, he has his own life as well.  On the surface, we are friends and have mutual people that we socialize with.  (Another blog will vent about how hard it is to be around him and not be able to serve him).  His life is full and full of drama and stress.  Our time is limited.  He has a path for his life mapped out and while I am a part of it, I am not a priority.  Before we all call him every name in the book, I am in this willingly.  I love him as a friend, a lover and my Sir.  In every aspect, his happiness is my first concern and desire.  We have helped each other through many rough times and are truly best friends.  He is younger and wants a family.  I am not able to provide him with children so I take my place with respect and love.

Having said that, the downtime without him is grueling.  I don’t see him or hear from him for days at a time.  We have spurts of time where I can be the focus, but they are few and far between.  I long for guidance and direction.  I long for tasks to do for him.  I long for request of pictures of me.  I long for him to instruct me through masturbation.  I want him to watch me on my home security cameras.  I want him to miss me and long for me in all the same ways.

During these times, I struggle to feel sexy, wanted, loved, needed, desired.  I miss being submissive.  I miss him.  I struggle to find ways to keep myself busy.  (Amazon.com would go bankrupt if I could serve him as much as I wanted, but has been helpful to the detriment of my bank account).

Hence starting this blog.  If I can’t be with him, perhaps writing about him, the loneliness and the desire of him will be helpful.  It will at least pass the time and keep me off Amazon.

He gave me permission and his blessing to find someone else to spend time with.  Not a new Dom, but someone to fill the needs I have.  I was hurt by this although I knew it came from a caring place.  It felt like he wouldn’t mind if I was fucking someone else.  He said he would love to watch me fuck someone else.  That is also sweet, but he wouldn’t be there.  I have tried to be with other men but I can’t.  I have tried.  It was sad and awkward and not fair to the poor guy who thought there was something wrong with him.  My Sir is the only one that can turn me on.  He is the only one that I want.  So I wait for him.

The complications are many, it is a tangled web.  Being a part-time sub quite honestly sucks!  He is worth the wait.  I only hope that I am sustainable in his heart as well.


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