BDSM,  Learning the Hard Way,  Thoughts,  Writings

Chapter 12 – Am I enough for you?

I wait all day and night for communication.  A text, a call, something.  We use to talk every morning and for some reason, that stopped.  You say you miss me and want me near and I want to believe that.  I see you are busy and stressed and hectic, and I want to respect that.  I distance myself to give you time.  I don’t pester you or complain or throw tantrums.  I wait.  I let you know I miss you and want you.  I try to flirt and do the things I know you like.  I am willing and waiting for you whenever you want or need me.  My only hope is that you miss me half as much as I miss you. I have to ask, am I enough for you?

Logically, I know that your desires for others do not mean that I am not enough.  Logically.  Emotionally, this is difficult.  I offer all I can.  Love, friendship, sex, submission, flirting, service, anything I can think of.  But it isn’t enough.  I know you want others.  You are not a one-woman man.  I accept that. I am asking, when your focus is on me, is that enough?

From one, you will get your house and children.  The life you have wanted and dreamed of.  From me, you get the sex and service, and love and admiration you say you don’t get from the other.  The two together should seem enough.  Almost perfect. You win in all areas.  You have your family, a Toy to train, and two women that actually care and respect you.

But you go back to the one that almost ruined you.  Almost ruined your dreams and chance for children.  It took months to get her to go away.  She was devious and manipulative.  She threw hate at you every chance she got.  She tried to guilt you into being with her.  She trashed your name to co-workers.  She attacked your manhood by saying you didn’t have the spine to tell your girlfriend you wanted a relationship with someone new.  She told people she faked her orgasms and you weren’t that good in bed but with practice, you’d get better.  She left evidence of your time together to be found to ruin your current relationship on purpose.  She threatened you, threaten to expose everything you had done with her.  More than your cover story.  Yet, she is the one getting your phone calls, your attention, your flirtations, your time.  All the while I thought the time you couldn’t spend with me, talk to me, text with me,  was because you were stressed with work.  But today I learn you have found time to text and give attention to someone who doesn’t respect you.  Is it that you know I’ll always be here so you feel comfortable ignoring me for others that treat you badly?  That disrespect you? Could part of my submissive training be that I constantly give of my time and service and only when you have no other distractions am I used?  A serious question from a new submissive.  Just last week, I lay in your arms explaining how I felt, the loneliness and neglect.  Laying naked in your arms, speaking of how I have needed to be a service, you still didn’t use me. Hockey was a preferred attraction.  Am I suppose to feel wanted and desired?  You say the primary doesn’t flirt with you or make you feel sexy and wanted.  Isn’t that how you are treating me?  So many questions.

As much as you say your distractions do not mean that I am not enough, it is hard to believe.  You do this,  then expect the women who are true to you do not interpret it as we are not enough for you.  That we do not satisfy you.   We may satisfy you for the moment, but we don’t have to sustain power, do we?  The next time you wonder why women are so insecure, think back to this moment.  This is why.  You are why.

I listen through tears, while fighting my own, as your primary explains the pain from the revelation of the most recent turn of events.  I struggle to know what to say or how to feel.  I share a lot of her emotions and have a few of my own that she could never understand.  Her insecurities are my own.  I add her relationship with you to my own insecurities.  The difference, I have no one to talk to about how I feel.  On top of that, I have to mask my pain and find supporting words that won’t hurt you.  This isn’t about me.  But it never is, is it?  I sit and console some, I defend you to others as they talk about what a heathen you are.  I listen quietly as others tell me of their past, present and possible future with you.  I can say nothing about how it impacts me.  I can only listen.

I don’t understand.  I’ll never understand.  This unwelcome pain is familiar.  Once again I am left to handle this on my own.  Trying to process why I am not enough for you.  Trying to process what it is that I am missing that you need.

But it isn’t just about me and how I’m feeling.  It is my worry for you.  Why are you searching for things that are right in front of you?  Why don’t you see that there are two people ready and willing, for the most part, to try to create and give you the life you seem to want?  You could have had, and could have now, the perfect threesome and the start of your family.  Is it that you don’t really want the three of us?  Is it that you aren’t sure you want children and being so close to getting them is terrifying to you?  Why can you not communicate when you start to feel boxed in and feel the need to branch out or reach back to the past to the people who have hurt you the most?   Why, when you get close to your dreams do you recoil like a snake afraid to strike?

I wonder if you will even tell me about it.  Right now, I can say I won’t bring it up, but who knows going forward how I will feel.  As your friend, I want to yell at you and tell you what a fool you are being.  How you are so close to everything you have ever wanted and you are about to mess it up.  As your Toy, I want to kneel at your feet and cry silent tears, hoping you I am important enough to you that you will find a way to assure me that you aren’t going away.  That you can assure me while I know I am not enough, I am still something that you will always need and want.

The feelings I had before today of want and loneliness are now joined by fear and sadness.  Disappointment and disbelief.  The familiar pain of a broken heart, yet another piece sacrificed to you, willingly but with the devastation of million heartbreaks.  I am not even sure where most of the pain lies in me right now, knowing you did this again, or the awareness that I wasn’t surprised.


(excerpts from “The Late In Life Toy”)

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