This was today’s thought-provoking email. I don’t know how to respond to this one. On Monday, my Sir told me we were through. I made a mistake. A big one. He responded with the heat and temper I had witnessed but it was never directed at me. Through text, he told me I was manipulative and I had hurt him too much, he was done. He even said “fuck you, T…” using my real name and not the name he gave me. He is furious, done with me and has not spoken to me since. He told me to move on.
Devastated doesn’t cover it. I am mourning not only the D/s but my best friend. He saved me and carried me through so many things in my life and the fact that he is gone as my friend is devastating. I feel responsible. I feel so many things right now I can’t wrap my brain around it.
I will write more about it when I can. Right now I am drowning. My mask is melting and I fear that others will see the true pain I am feeling. Part of me doesn’t care, but because we were undercover as a couple and only friends on the surface, people will notice the friendship shift, but will never know the true pain I am feeling.
I miss him. I hurt him. He is gone. I just don’t know what to do or how to handle what I am feeling on so many different levels. It is a pain I have never felt before and I have been through some shit that would seem to top this feeling. But it doesn’t. The loss of him is unbearable right now.
I will write about it, I know that will help. Maybe later.
Many thanks to Kayla Lords and John Brownstone for keeping in touch through email and allowing me to reach out when I felt I had no one. As busy as they are they were responsive and supportive. Thank you!
Thoughts provoked by Loving BDSM