30 Days of D/s,  Learning the Hard Way,  Thoughts,  Writings

When a D/s relationship ends…

This was today’s thought-provoking email.  I don’t know how to respond to this one.  On Monday, my Sir told me we were through.  I made a mistake.  A big one.  He responded with the heat and temper I had witnessed but it was never directed at me.  Through text, he told me I was manipulative and I had hurt him too much, he was done.  He even said “fuck you, T…” using my real name and not the name he gave me.  He is furious, done with me and has not spoken to me since.  He told me to move on.

Devastated doesn’t cover it.  I am mourning not only the D/s but my best friend.  He saved me and carried me through so many things in my life and the fact that he is gone as my friend is devastating.  I feel responsible.  I feel so many things right now I can’t wrap my brain around it.

I will write more about it when I can.  Right now I am drowning.  My mask is melting and I fear that others will see the true pain I am feeling.  Part of me doesn’t care, but because we were undercover as a couple and only friends on the surface, people will notice the friendship shift, but will never know the true pain I am feeling.

I miss him.  I hurt him.  He is gone.  I just don’t know what to do or how to handle what I am feeling on so many different levels.  It is a pain I have never felt before and I have been through some shit that would seem to top this feeling.  But it doesn’t.  The loss of him is unbearable right now.

I will write about it, I know that will help.  Maybe later.

Many thanks to Kayla Lords and John Brownstone for keeping in touch through email and allowing me to reach out when I felt I had no one.  As busy as they are they were responsive and supportive.  Thank you!

Thoughts provoked by Loving BDSM

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s



  • John Brownstone

    It is tough and it is hard there is no sugar coating that but it is important that you take care of you right now. Read if you enjoy books, watch a movie or TV show that you like and makes you laugh. Hang out with friends or even pamper yourself, get your hair done, get a mani/pedi.

  • littlewinnie

    Oh goodness, i am so sorry that you are going through a hard time. Hugs to you and if you ever wanna talk always here.

  • Princess Crowned

    I’ve been away from my blog reader for a few days, so I missed your news.
    I’m so so sorry. It is a double hit; to lose to your friend and the person who you were intimately bonded to in a number of ways.

    Only thing that helps is time.

    • toyforsir

      Thank you. It is hard. Time helps. Everything feels different but the pain is the same. I really want this grief cycle to speed up so I can get the angry part if it.

      • Princess Crowned

        I understand.
        If you don’t mind me sharing…for me, the anger only emphasized the hurt more. I found being mad did not help me heal in that case, because we were connected in too many ways. (In my standard regular relationships, anger helped me cut ties and not care to look back.)

        I embraced the grief and made it my friend, in order to tame it and conquer it. Otherwise, it would have taken longer to let go and would have left me scarred and embittered. I was determined to not let that happen.

        it took me longer than it should have, b/c we yo-yo’ed back and forth, for way too long. I had to make the break complete, so I could be free of him, the feelings, my ego reactions the entire caboodle.

        • toyforsir

          I agree. It’s so hard to be mad when you still care. I try rationalizing and telling myself I know this is what is best for me. I guess time is the only thing that will help. It’s the looming feeling I may have to let go everything he shared and taught me (the good) and trying to determine how much of me was what he wanted and what was I doing to please him. What if I cant be submissive with others? What if I never find anyone that makes me happy again? I’m older. It’s hard to imagine what I have with him with someone else. It took years for us to get where we were. Just a lit of thoughts that ramble through my mind.

          Thank you for sharing. It helps to talk about it.

          • Princess Crowned

            Rationalization is a good friend of mine, as I often need to turn things over in my head a bit, to work it all out.

            As you process your feelings, you will sort out what was good and should be kept versus what was specific to your relationship.

            Is it a tragedy if you cannot submit to another? Maybe that was something exactly tied to that time with him. There are facets to masculine/feminine as well as D/s. (I readily admit I’m not able to do x, y, z with Man A, B and C. But there is no rule saying I should, however.)

            Yet you can meet another person who fits in with your ideas and needs for happiness.

            I run into older couples who literally were not ready for that sort of intense connection (and each other) until they were mature.

            Think of how in a relationship, there is zero and zam!! We are at 60. What path you take with one man is not that path you walk with another.

            Every bit of the lives we live are a journey.

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