BDSM,  Learning the Hard Way,  Thoughts

Parenting – How do you make your D/s work while raising kids?

If you’re a parent, today is a day to think about how you make your D/s work while raising kids. And if you’re not a parent yet, imagine how you might handle things if you have children.

This is funny to me.  When my daughter was growing up I was very vanilla.  Her dad and I separated when she was five.  We didn’t have a lot of sex and when we did it was quiet, vanilla and boring.   We had joint custody so any dating that eventually started happening I only did when she was with her father.  I met a man who was into things that were outside my realm and that is how the BDSM interested started.  That man and I didn’t get into the D/s relationship but we talked about more than I had ever with anyone else.

I always had a very open relationship with my daughter about sex and sexual relationships.  When she was 8 years old, I was in a very undercover relationship with a woman.  She was “Aunt” to my daughter which I hated but it was complicated.   My entire life was centered around no one finding out because I knew that most wouldn’t accept my choices.  One night my daughter came to me and asked me if “Aunt” and I could get married would we?  I almost fell over.  Kids know.  She knew.  Prop 8 was all over the news and she was clearly paying attention to that and the conversations that were being had.  From that day forward, I decided I wouldn’t hide anything from her.  She was older than her years and could handle things with conversation.

Fast forward to my first D/s relationship (undercover as it was), when my daughter was in the presence of me and Daddy, she later told me that the sexual tension between us was obvious and asked me what was going on.  So, I explained.  I explained the friend part, the D/s part, the lover part, the undercover and why part, the threesome with his primary part.  As each level of my relationship with him unfolded, she was my confidant.  She was my sounding board.  She was my supporter.  She had a very healthy sex life with her boyfriend and then her girlfriend.  She was amazing.  Didn’t judge.  She had questions and to some of my answers on the submissive servitude, she responded, “oh, fuck no!”  We have a few differences but that was one!  It made me laugh.  She handled everything so wonderfully and supportive.  And, she now is living with me again, with her girlfriend, and they have been amazing through this break up that has literally rocked my world.  She was friends with him as well.  She misses him too.

I know that not all situations would be this easy and seamless.  I can’t imagine how it would be raising younger children.  I can imagine that creativity and be covert is a huge part of it.  But I do know that being as honest with your kids as possible when they are old enough to understand is crucial to their ability to have strong and healthy sexual relationships of their own, no matter what those relationships look like.


Thoughts provoked by Loving BDSM


  • littlewinnie

    my eldest daughter is 7. But she knows even now, that our dynamic is different. She calls my Husband “the householder” and knows what He says goes, even if i contradict it. It’s amazing how much they pick up on. But its fun to have kids and also be a little because i get to have an excuse to color and play. i wonder how that will change as my children get older. Interesting post.

    • toyforsir

      It is an interesting dynamic. I think it will be okay when she is older. How wonderful to show her that parts of us don’t always have to grow up. That there is a part of us we can in fact keep innocent.

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