Experiences,  Thoughts

Mental Health

One of the easiest things to neglect is our health.  We get busy with work, life, family, obligations.  Many bloggers have talked about this, written about this, and we all ponder the “right” way.  I personally feel there isn’t a right or wrong way because we are all different.  I don’t think any of us that really think about it believe that there is a right way or wrong way either.  Most of us are just trying to figure it out as we go, and that is okay too.

Many of us look in the mirror and pick apart every single thing that could possibly be wrong.  This roll, that curve, this mole, that chin, it is an endless effort to become comfortable with ourselves.  Here’s the thing, we can’t see our minds.  We can’t see all the things going on there.  We feel things, sometimes triggered from what we see in the mirror.  Not all things tho.  The mind is a mysterious thing.  I don’t pretend to understand it all.  That isn’t saying much considering my degree in psychology (missed by three credits because I hate math and science and couldn’t do the internship for no pay).  I only speak to how I handle it or don’t handle it.

I can look in the mirror and see all that is wrong. I have lists or things that are wrong with my body in my eyes.  I focus so much on those things that I often forget to take care of my mind.  I am an overthinker.  Look it up, you’ll see my picture.  I still think about the time in the third grade when Dawn Ekes told me her paper rose was prettier than mine.  I hold on to shit forever.  I envy those people who can just let go of stuff.  Accept what has happened and never look back.  All the while I am bumping into walls that I can’t see because I am so busy looking back.

The mental stuff is easy to ignore.  Why pay attention to what you can not see.  Especially when there is so much in front of us that we can see.  It sucks.  Because we should pay attention to our minds.  It is hard though because sometimes what is there are the exact things that we are afraid of.  Maybe even hiding from.  All those thoughts just build up and on top of each other.  Before you know it, it is too overwhelming to handle and dissect, so we just keep hiding.  I believe there is a technical term for this.  Some call it silent insanity.  Maybe that is a close enough label for it.

These days my focus has been on the loss.  I have lost a lot this year.  My father, my D/s relationship, my friend(s).  It has been tough.  All these things roll in my head on a reel and I get pulled under by them.  I haven’t been in therapy for four years.  My daughter’s addiction, my marriage ending, my D/s relationship starting and ending, my father passing away, are just a few reasons that I know I should go back.  I will.  My therapist is far away and yes that is an excuse but eventually, I will make the time.  Honestly, I wouldn’t even know where to start.  So for now, I try and handle it my way and on my own.

In October I went to the beach for the first time in five years.  I always love the beach but in the past, it has been the sun and the tan lines.  This time it was cold a raining.  For the first time, I didn’t care.  For the first time, I was able to focus on the connection I have with the waves and the tide.  The returning of the waves, again and again, but each wave is different.  Each wave carries different sand, different shells, different form and even foams differently. While everything looks and feels the same, it is different.  Being there made me realize how much I had been ignoring.  How much I needed to take care of me.

We all have responsibilities and obligations.  As much as I would like to curl up under the covers and hide I have shit to do and people that need me.  So I trudge on.  Being away from all that needs me and that I feel I need to take care of allowed me the time to clear my head of all that cluttered it and see the real pain that I had been hiding.

Mental health is just as if not more important then our physical health.  I had always wished I was the kind of person that got mental stress relief from exercising.  Wouldn’t that be great?  I am jealous of those that run for miles, burning stress and calories at the same time.  Not me.  The calories and fat build as quickly as the stress does.  Unfortunately.

So, all of this to say I’m trying.  That is all I or we can do.  I reach out when I can, write when I can, smile when I can, cry when I need to, say no when I need to (this is hard but I am getting better at it).  I suppose it is a process that we all go through and we all do it differently, at our own pace, on our own terms.





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