white woman sitting on the floor with back against the bed wrapped in large denim shirt legs folded in front and tucked under she is holding a cell phone as in taking a selfi slightly terrified wearing denim shirt and showing her legs
February Photofest 2019

Slightly terrifying

This is slightly terrifying.  Hoping it gets easier as the days move forward…

I have always hated pictures of myself.  For all the good things I see, I see a thousand things to pick apart and criticize.  I almost bailed on this commitment because I couldn’t take a picture or find a picture that I was comfortable with.  The more a struggled, the more I realized feeling this way is why I should participate.  So, I picked one all my insecurities could live with.   Thanks to Molly for making this opportunity available and for being such an inspiration for sensual photography, even if it is slightly terrifying!

There is nothing scientific about how I feel about pictures of myself.  It is all emotional. Roaming through all the pictures I have of myself are from the chest up and fully clothed.  No cleavage, No cute smile.  Just me waiting for the picture taking to be done.  I was always behind the camera growing up.  I enjoyed capturing others as they laughed and posed.  I photographed weddings for years, snapping the happy moments.  I even edited those photos and careful scrutinized each one.  None did I pay more critical attention to then those of myself.  I hate most pictures of myself and I can give you a million reasons why they are horrible.  It has always been that way.

Participating in February Photofest is a challenge.  It is a scary, slightly terrifying endeavor that I want to do so badly, but am still not sure I can do it.  I will take it day by day and see how it goes.  Maybe have a photo shoot that will give me a few photos that I can choose from.  I know the point is not to have a perfect picture, but to have an open mind and post pictures that make me feel some thing positive about myself.

I wish I could see the rolls and scars after I see the beauty in me, but they always present themselves t me first.  I wish I could look past them and see the beauty in the scars and the stories they tell about me and my life.  I wish I could see my rolls and think, “I am beautifully curvy”, but all I see is years of not taking care of my body.  All it does is trigger the cycle of eating disorders that plague me, and all the excuses for not exercising more.

Please click the link below and check out the other folks participating in February Photofest 2019 as well as past years.  Beautiful photographs of beautiful people.  Enjoy!

February Photofest


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