Slightly terrifying - Chrisy Kay Slightly terrifying. I hope this gets easier

This is slightly terrifying. Hoping it gets easier as the days move forward…

I have always hated pictures of myself. For all the good things I see, I see a thousand things to pick apart and criticize. I almost bailed on this commitment because I couldn’t take a picture or find a picture that I was comfortable with. The more a struggled, the more I realized feeling this way is why I should participate. So, I picked one all my insecurities could live with. Thanks to Molly for making this opportunity available and for being such an inspiration for sensual photography, even if it is slightly terrifying!

There is nothing scientific about how I feel about pictures of myself. It is all emotional. Roaming through all the pictures I have of myself are from the chest up and fully clothed. No cleavage, No cute smile. Just me waiting for the picture taking to be done. I was always behind the camera growing up. I enjoyed capturing others as they laughed and posed. I photographed weddings for years, snapping the happy moments. I even edited those photos and careful scrutinized each one. None did I pay more critical attention to then those of myself. I hate most pictures of myself and I can give you a million reasons why they are horrible. It has always been that way.

Participating in February Photofest is a challenge. It is a scary, slightly terrifying endeavor that I want to do so badly, but am still not sure I can do it. I will take it day by day and see how it goes. Maybe have a photo shoot that will give me a few photos that I can choose from. I know the point is not to have a perfect picture, but to have an open mind and post pictures that make me feel some thing positive about myself.

I wish I could see the rolls and scars after I see the beauty in me, but they always present themselves t me first. I wish I could look past them and see the beauty in the scars and the stories they tell about me and my life. I wish I could see my rolls and think, “I am beautifully curvy”, but all I see is years of not taking care of my body. All it does is trigger the cycle of eating disorders that plague me, and all the excuses for not exercising more.

Please click the link below and check out the other folks participating in February Photofest 2019 as well as past years. Beautiful photographs of beautiful people. Enjoy!

10 Comments

Molly

February 1, 2019 at 6:43 pm Reply

I think you look deliciously sexy in this image, you have incredible legs and I am intrigued by the tattoo

Mollyx

Toy

February 2, 2019 at 1:57 pm Reply

Thank you so much. The tattoo was my first… the addiction is real but under control. My second marriage, we had a farm, I had horses and she had a motorcycle. The name was oil and oats. We had the logo of the farm tattooed on our legs.

Julie

February 2, 2019 at 6:49 am Reply

Well done for joining. I can guarantee it will get easier and a wonderful start xx

Toy

February 2, 2019 at 1:55 pm Reply

Everything about my new journey has been a challenge to my insecurities, but I am proud of myself for joining and pushing myself to do things that scare the hell out of me!

Indie

February 2, 2019 at 7:44 am Reply

Many of us struggle with photographs of ourselves. You are amongst friends. 🙂
And its a lovely photo – rest easy.
Indie

Toy

February 2, 2019 at 1:52 pm Reply

Thank you! I hope to reach a point when I see a photo of myself I do not pick apart everything and criticize every roll and wrinkle. I try to remind myself that I am who I am.