After my break up in early August, I was lost. Few breakups leave you feeling great but when you were not the one that wanted the change, it is incredibly difficult. I have written about it, tried to verbalize it many times and I still feel like I haven’t quite articulated how it felt and what I was and still am feeling. I am sure this is the case with most breakups when you aren’t the one who wanted the breakup. This one was harder than most. I have several reasons for this, but the one that stands out, (not necessarily the primary reason), is the loss of my first D/s relationship.
Sir knew my frustrations and so he often encouraged me to venture out on my own and meet other people. He knew I was on dating sites talking to other people. On occasion, he would ask me about them. Even though he knew, I was hesitant to share. I didn’t want to be with other people. I wanted to be with him. No one else, just him. I would respond vaguely and act as disinterested as I was. Oddly, talking with or dating others felt like cheating to me.
There was one guy that I continued to talk to while others had been deleted due to lack of interest, theirs and mine, or the unsolicited dick pic, or I was more focused on Sir and didn’t cultivate a friendship, not to mention a relationship. This guy was easy to talk to and we had similar interests. He loves the water, the beach, being outside, loves his family and all of the good stuff. We were friends with a flirty edge. After all, we met on a dating site so the flirting was a given after awhile.
He never sent me a dick pick. He never pushed and he never made me feel uncomfortable. It was fun talking to him and he was a good distraction (I don’t mean that has horribly as it sounds) during the down times when Sir was not available. To be fair, I am fairly certain that he felt the same way about me. We talked on and off. Not every day but frequently. It was nice to get a text, and it made me smile every time I did. The conversation was casual.
One day, we started a conversation (in a text) about sex and what we liked.
I believe the lead in from him was, “so what are you in to?” Before finding my kinky self, I wouldn’t know how to answer this question because I wasn’t really into anything. Now, I didn’t know how to answer the question because I am into a lot more than I ever was before. I found myself struggling to find the right words to explain all of it. This was the first time I would tell anyone about my new found preferences.
All the worries went through my head at once. Will this scare him? Is he going to think I am crazy? What if he never talks to me again? Will I lose a friend that I had come to really enjoy talking to? I was grateful it was a texting conversation and used that to my advantage. Both to gather my thoughts and to give myself time to decide what to say and how to say it. He didn’t wait for a response and texted again, “I’m kind of freaky, just to let you know.” And…. game on! I suddenly had a little bit more confidence.
I still thought hard about how to respond.
It was the realization that I wasn’t sure how to define myself and my preferences. My previous Sir and I had names for each other, but that wasn’t what he was asking. If I responded, I am a submissive, sometimes baby girl, would that even make sense to him? If I said I was kinky, would he understand that or just think I was trying to match his “freaky” to my “kinky”? Did it matter if I scared him?
After all, I am who and how I am and I don’t apologize for that. Biggest questions, do I even know what I am into now? all of my kinky things were connected to Sir. Did they still exist? Was it just him that made those things feel good? I miss the kinky sex, but is it the sex or is it just Sir that I miss? All of these questions were running through my head while I stared at the phone trying to decide how to respond.
I must have been taking to long, because he sent another text that said, “too much too soon?” Was he worried too?
“Not at all,” was the best I could come up with, sadly.
“Just be honest, no judgment here.” Hmmm, ok, let us see how this goes. The issue was, as I stated already, I wasn’t sure I had the answers to the questions forming in my head.
“If I said I use to be vanilla in my sexual preferences but now I am not vanilla in my sexual preferences, would that make sense to you?” Oh my fucking God, I sounded like I was talking to my doctor or giving my lecture on sex to teenagers. Why was this so hard? What was the reason that I care if he ran for the hills? Couldn’t I just claim it?
His response, “Lol, so your kinky but you’re also shy?” Busted!
The questions in me that his one question conjured up was daunting.
Since the break up I haven’t had to explain or have this conversation. It was such natural things with Sir, never a sit-down kind of thing. All easy and in pieces… on the way to the store, at work during lunch. Simple. Unintentional. Easy. That isn’t to say that it won’t be an easy conversation with the guy, but it was scary to think about the consequences of my honesty.
If I tell him “what I am in to”, it would be what I was into with Sir. I am not sure if it will be the same, feel the same if I will want it with someone else. Will I be sad that it isn’t Sir if it is someone else? I need to take time with these questions. I don’t know if I will have all the answers but they need to be contemplated. I’ll follow up in another post to do some processing.
To be continued…
Here are some articles I found while researching new relationships. There are good suggestions, but as always, nothing is cookie cutter when it comes to relationships. Find what works for you and go from there.
Ways To Tell Your Partner You Are Into Kink (sorry for the first picture!)
When Only One Of You Is Kinky (and yes, I had to look up what an “Alleged Kanye” was!)