Seeing double and processing what I see. Taking pictures of myself for February Photofest 2019 has been fun and challenging and has for the past 21 days had me thinking or rethinking my perspective on my body and my sensuality. Today, I couldn’t post anything I had taken because they all seemed too revealing, or I wasn’t comfortable with what I saw. Thinking (or overthinking) about it this morning, I realized it wasn’t just that the photos I had taken were revealing. It was that when I looked at them I didn’t see sensual, I saw all the flaws that I view in myself. So, I started going through old pictures to find something I could live with and post today.
I found this picture, a combination of two separate pictures that I had put together a while ago. I am not even sure why I did this. Seeing these pictures side by side always stops me in my tracks.
I could tell a story about each of these women that would have differences and similarities. Seeing double isn’t exactly what I see. I can remember what my life was like at the time each of these photos was taken. There was good and bad going on in both. There was a lot of turmoil going on in both. None of which had anything to do with my weight. I remember putting them side by side to show how much weight I had lost. That was then. Looking at it now, today, I don’t see the weight difference as much as I see the difference in my life at those separate times. The decisions I made from one point to the next. The happiness or loneliness I felt at each time but for different reasons.
I think my weight has always been and might possibly always be how I measure happiness and beauty in myself. I hope that changes. Today this picture showed me that happiness and beauty have nothing to do with what I weigh or how I look in clothes. At any size, you can have happiness and at any size, you can have turmoil.
It is unfortunate and makes me sad that I can’t seem to find self-acceptance at any size.