Fear is not an Option
Fear
Fear is not an option
Everything is just fine, she smiles.
At work, she maintains her professional status, arriving on time, and making every meeting and deadline.
At home, she cooks and cleans and takes care of her family. She smiles and chats with the neighbors.
She pays her bills when she can, she works extra if she has to do so.
At night, in the morning, all day long she fears they will see who she really is.
Everything is not ok. She cries
At work, she screams inside because she isn’t sure she is good enough for what she does.
At home, she wants to climb in bed and forget the world exists and just hide from everything and everyone.
She is afraid she can’t pay her bills, her taxes, or have enough money to retire.
What if they know she fears failure?
If they know she fears to be alone, fears loving again and fears never loving again?
Do they know she fears never being satisfied again?
What if they know she is basically a fraud…
Acting brave, but fearing every fucking thing.
Fear is not an option so she presses it down and ignores it. All the while the fear is brewing inside her building like a liquid explosion waiting to release. She knows she can’t sustain this forever, although it feels like she has done it forever.
Knowing what to do and knowing how to do it are totally different things. One fear at a time, she searches for relief anywhere she can find it. With all the information available there is sure to be something she can use to feel better. One day at a time, one try at a time.
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8 Comments
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Love what you have written – well done – I totally understand – all of it actually 😉
Toy
Thank you so much. Honestly, I saw the prompt and thought, “I can write forever on this!” but when I started to try everything became a bit overwhelming and while my brain was spinning out all these things I fear, my fingers couldn’t make it make sense at all. Three attempts at the post and I realized maybe that should be a post for another time. Thanks for the post, it feels good to know we aren’t alone in our fear, no matter how many we have!
E.L. Byrne
A totally relatable story, too often many of us feel this way.
Toy
Thank you. I appreciate that. Something I thought would be so easy to write about seemed to stunt me in a place I didn’t understand. Perhaps thinking about writing it down made it clear how much I truly fear. A little scary actually. Thank you for taking the time to post. I appreciate it.
Indie
I know these thoughts too. Well done you for sharing.
Indie xx
Toy
Thank you. So much more behind these words, as you know!
Marie Rebelle
Like for others, some of these thoughts are all too familiar to me.
Rebel xox
Brigit Delaney
Ummmm…yeah…that’s basically me in a nutshell. I totally get it.