Fear is not an option
Everything is just fine, she smiles.
At work, she maintains her professional status, arriving on time, and making every meeting and deadline.
At home, she cooks and cleans and takes care of her family. She smiles and chats with the neighbors.
She pays her bills when she can, she works extra if she has to do so.
At night, in the morning, all day long she fears they will see who she really is.
Everything is not ok. She cries
At work, she screams inside because she isn’t sure she is good enough for what she does.
At home, she wants to climb in bed and forget the world exists and just hide from everything and everyone.
She is afraid she can’t pay her bills, her taxes, or have enough money to retire.
What if they know she fears failure?
If they know she fears to be alone, fears loving again and fears never loving again?
Do they know she fears never being satisfied again?
What if they know she is basically a fraud…
Acting brave, but fearing every fucking thing.
Fear is not an option so she presses it down and ignores it. All the while the fear is brewing inside her building like a liquid explosion waiting to release. She knows she can’t sustain this forever, although it feels like she has done it forever.
Knowing what to do and knowing how to do it are totally different things. One fear at a time, she searches for relief anywhere she can find it. With all the information available there is sure to be something she can use to feel better. One day at a time, one try at a time.
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