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BDSM,  Erotic Journal Challenge,  Experiences,  Memes and Things

I wish…

If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.

I think about this a lot, in all aspects of life.  What if I had a wish, or three wishes for finance, happiness, for myself or for my friends and family.  Never being one for “bucket lists” or even wishing.  Learning early on that wishing rarely works without a lot of effort behind it.  Bucket lists always seemed like another way of setting up failure.  I believe it is good to have dreams and goals, but just wishing doesn’t make it so.  Shame, but it is the truth.  Sometimes the truth sucks.

So thinking about three wishes in relation to my sexual side I had to go a little deeper than my immediate responses.  The immediate responses were experience bondage, increase my experience in impact play, be cautiously reckless.  Yep!  I thought it would be an easy essay.  However, as I started to write about those things (or wish for them) I realized they just don’t come your way.  You have to work at those things and you have to focus on a core value before you can have or experience the surface things that you want.  So I had to go deeper.

Self-confidence in my sexuality

I know, still doesn’t sound very sexy, but it is if you really think about it.  My entire sexual life has been based on my worry that I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, thin enough, sexy enough.  I NEVER had the confidence that I was any of those things.  I always harbor some wish that I was better or different.  I swear to you as I am typing these words there was not one sexual encounter that I did not apologize for my fat, my experience or lack of it, my awkwardness, my inability to have an orgasm.  You name it, I apologized for it.  I never felt worthy of being with anyone.  Whether it was the first time I was with someone, or I had been having sex with them for years.

Apologizing and making excuses for the person that you are will take a toll on you.  It breaks you down and tears apart from the lining of your soul that connects to your heart.  You feel completely responsible for the bad parts of the entire sexual experience, yours and theirs.  Even in the threesomes, I experienced while I was on my way to finding myself, I still apologized for my looks and my skill.  Comparing myself to her and yes, making a wish that I could change.  If I was feeling confident at the start, at some point during the experience, I felt the need to apologize for something.  It’s a heavy burden to be responsible for everyone’s orgasm, two three or ten people.  That is a heavy load.  Even in masturbation, who else is going to blame?

So my second wish is self-confidence in my sexuality.  I believe strongly that without it, you struggle eternally to find your place, groove, and pleasure in whatever kind of sex you are into.

A healthy D/s relationship

I emphasize healthy because I have learned that is the defining component of any relationship, not just a D/s relationship.  Looking back I realize that none of my relationships have been healthy regardless if they are D/s or vanilla.  So I need to start there.  This takes work.  A lot of work.  At 54, just be learning about myself makes me feel like not only a late bloomer but someone that may have wasted some really important time.  I know I can’t walk it backward and change anything that I have done or decisions that I have made.  What I can do, is learn from my past and try to apply that and move on.  We all know that, right?  Is this easy to do?  Nope!

Surely I am not the only one to experience this feeling.  What is the feeling though? Disappointment?  Regret?  Sadness?  Despair?  Yes, all of the above.  Coming over those feelings is the key to moving on. It is also the key to finding the kind of relationship I need to acquire all those “surface” things I want that came to mind.

So, my first sexual wish would be a healthy D/s relationship.  One of trust, love, consent, honesty, and mutual desire.  Desire, not only for a D/S relationship but a relationship that provided what each of us would need.  I think that would be incredibly sexy!

Sexual relations I can count on and trust. 

So I am not going with anything truly unique on my wishes am I?  That’s okay.  Being mainstream is ok with me.  Don’t we all deserve sex we can count on and trust?  It doesn’t matter who or what – I just want to feel confident that first, it will be there for me, and second, I can trust it when it is.

Admittedly, this is based on my most recent relationship.  I loved him.  I trusted him in many ways, with my body, my heart, and my soul.  I don’t believe he ever intentionally tried to make me feel that I couldn’t trust him.  I trusted him, I just couldn’t trust it would be there when I needed it.  I am submissive.  Part of that is being able to trust that while I serve, my needs are also met.  Not only my need to serve, but my physical and sexual needs as well.  That was lacking.

It wasn’t always his fault.  In my mind, as a submissive, I didn’t feel I could ask.  It was always his decision if we were intimate.  Looking back and knowing what I know now, maybe I could have spoken up more.  Our relationship was complicated and crossed over lines of friendship, lovers, D/s, all the above!  I was never really sure when we were together what role I was playing.  Am I your friend today or your sub?  I never asked.  Now I know better.

I want the kind of communication that tells us both we are on the same page most of the time.  When we aren’t, that’s cool, because we are most of the time and we can count on each other to know the difference and respect where each other are.

Surface wishes

There is a list, of course, I live on lists.  I love impact play and miss that most of all.  I would love to experience wax play and bondage.  So my surface wishes would be those three.  More impact play, wax play, and bondage.  With the first three wishes granted, I am sure that these three surface wishes would be happily obtained and welcomed!

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2 Comments

  • Brigit Delaney

    Those deeper desires are important. And I think you’ve captured them so well. It is hard sometimes to admit to ourselves that we are the root reason we don’t have something that we want. Confidence has been elusive for me and I find myself saying and feeling many of the things you have written here. And wanting a healthy relationship shouldn’t have to be a wish. I hope you find one that fits your needs and allows you to serve in the way you know you are capable.

    • Toy

      Thanks Brigit. This was pretty cathartic for me. Getting down to the root of what I want has been difficult. Still trying to decifer what is me and what is me wanting to please. It is a process for sure.

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