Decisions,  Distress,  Experiences,  kinks,  Lifestyle


This is another tough one for me.  It goes back far into my childhood and I still struggle with friendships.  I have learned over the years, and most recently the hardest lesson, those friendships are precious.  Really good friendships are hard to come by.

It is normal to have people come and go in your life.  It is sometimes working to keep in touch and it takes both parties to make that happen.  I had always felt I was the only one working on it most times.  Taking some time off from constantly reaching out to those that had drifted away, I found myself feeling pretty lonely.  It showed me two things;

First, I am more social than I thought.  Whether it is face to face, on the phone or online, I enjoy reaching out to people and having that “real person” connection and friendships.  Second, it was clear when I stopped reaching out that others were perhaps not as invested in the friendship as I was.  There is no blame there just a realization on my part.  Everyone is busy, have lives and goes through things that maybe we don’t know about.

People get new relationships or new jobs or have family emergencies that pull them away from the everyday friends and connections.  I understand that.  That has happened to me as well.  I think the bulk of my realization was that if I want the friendship to continue, I would have to continue to make the effort.

Childhood friends

Growing up in my little town, all the kids went to the same elementary school, lived in the same neighborhood, played together outside after school until the street lights came on, our sign to go home.  My two best friends, Collie and Mackenzie are the two that I can’t remember meeting.  They were just always there.  We lived close together and could have classes and play after school.  We stayed over each other’s houses on the weekends.  Sharing all kinds of dreams and hopes we were close.

Colie and Mackenzie were ahead of me in most things boys.  They were beautiful and unique in their own ways.  Collie was Italian and had this gorgeous ethnic look to her.  Mackenzie was tall and thin and looked like a model since she was 10.  Seeing myself as average and always standing in the background, I watched as they had boyfriends and went to parties that I was not invited to.  It does sound pathetic, it did then and it does not even type these words.  But it was how I felt.  Oddly, back then, I didn’t mind being a quiet friend.

 How things change

Once we hit high school, things changed.  They got more popular, went to more parties, dated more boys.  I wasn’t a party girl (I wasn’t allowed to go to them) so I spent a lot of time at home.  After their fun, they would tell me stories.  It was fine.  I had this one boy I was focused on so I didn’t mind they were dating and getting out there.

I have often thought about writing a short story about the three of us.   We were all raised the same but we all ended up very different.  Mackenzie is a model in LA, Collie is a very faithful and religious woman who is now a Christian counselor, enjoying the new happiness that being a grandmother brings.  Me, I’m a mom of my own hero and single and learning from life lessons as I go.  I have a good career and hope to have a good second career as a sex blogger and erotica writer and I’m pretty content with me right now.  Most days anyway.

We have a lot of stories in our past.  Some are fun and cute and some are sad and scary.  We are all still in touch, mostly through social media but we all still call each other friends.  It is a life long friendship of three.

The one that lasts forever, no matter what.

Then there is Cheryl!  This woman I met over 35 years ago while we working in investment banking together.  We met over a box of files supporting the other people that were making way more money then we were.  Having been through babies, illness, divorce, marriages, sexual orientation choices, addiction, and many other things, we are bonded.  Going months without talking and then one phone call and a date for crabs and beer and it is like we never skipped a beat!  She is my ride or die.  Moving to Texas is something I will not forgive her for, but we still keep in touch.

Betrayal of friends and friendships.

Most recently, as an adult, I learned I had trusted the wrong people.  Interesting how the instincts of a child to remain true to the friendships we have at the time and carry them through to the end is spot on.  As adults, we assume the trust and honesty is always there.  It isn’t true.   As adults, we have a choice to consciously or unconsciously make decisions that could harm the relationships we have.

In the time I was with Daddy, I knew he was seeing others.  He had a bad habit of being interested in women that all knew each other.  I’m pretty sure he liked the possible drama.  Looking back now I see where he played us against each other.  There were two in particular that he caught interest in and it ultimately ended my friendships with them.  They were able to be open and everyone knew about them, while I kept quiet.  His dirty little secret.  They talked to me about him and what I learned was hurtful.  It was mean girl antics at its best once they found out I may have an interest, they made sure I was the least interesting of his choices.  Sometimes he fell for it.  That was hurtful on all levels.

I distanced myself from them.  One was harder than the other.  She and I were really close and it was hard to see the lengths she would go to in order to cut me out of his life.  They both played me against the other.  Neither new the each of them was telling me things as well.  I was sure there was an attempt to get information from me.  As I said, mean girl tactics at its best!  Friendships are difficult.

The worst betrayal of all

I have made no secret that Sir and I were friends before we were anything else.  He was the male version of my soul mate.  I could tell him everything, and I did tell him everything.  He knew before anyone that my marriage was in trouble.  He knew before anyone that my daughter was in trouble.  Even before we flirted and took things to a higher level, he was my best friend.  I started being my true self with him.  It was easy.  He didn’t judge, didn’t care about the things I was worried about, my self-image.  Letting me be me, he was the friend you always heard about and hoped for.

I was a great friend to him.  I did a lot of things I wasn’t proud of to get him what he wanted.  One thing I didn’t mind at all and was excited about was being involved with him and his primary.  He and I had discussed it and thought it would be fun.  It was a way to spend more time with him, but it was also a way to spend more time with her.  She was a little crazy but she was fun.  We had a lot in common and I like the important parts of her.

The three of us started hanging out and eventually ended up in an intimate relationship with each other.  It was fun.  We went tubbing together, hung out and cooked dinner together.  Watching movies and playing video games together.  I thought things were great!  She didn’t.  I am sure she had her reasons but she started pulling away.  All the conversations about communication and taking care of each other vanished.  He went along with her and before no time, it was over.  He and I went back to just he and I.  Back in the shadows I went while he said he would try and work it out with her to bring me back in.  That never happened.

They both lied to me and gave me false hope.  Now, to be honest, I am not a stupid woman.  I saw the writing on the wall, but there was a part of me that really wanted to believe that they cared about me.  That the relationship was as important to them as it was to me.  I was wrong in that belief.  Currently, I am not in touch with either of them.  Looking back, I know the relationship was toxic.  Their lies and my excusing their behavior would have eventually ended me right where I am now.  I guess sooner is better than later.

The fabulous four

We suffered through parts of college together.  They make me laugh and we are almost our true selves with each other.  We are different in many ways.  Abby, divorced with two young boys remarried and life is hard managing all that entails.  Carmen, married after never thinking she would and not caring at all that she would have cats and live alone forever finally adopted a beautiful little baby girl.  I can’t wait to meet her and hear about it first hand outside the constant texting on our group text through the journey.  Sammy… my true sister from another mother.  We cuss, drink, eat, exercise, date, travel, and talk about sex and our bad choices together.

It was a while before Sammy and I got close.  Now, I have to say she is my girl.  Few people have her heart and determination.   Recently she started dating a guy that is a swinger.  She texted and said, “you’re the BDSM girl, you know more about this stuff than I do!  Help me out!”  We have laughed about her thinking I was the all-knowing about any of this but it is truly nice to have someone that I can be open with and that neither of us is judging.

The four of us get together every other month for food and drinks and to catch up on all things life.  I love these girls very much.

Friends from birth

I knew the day she was born that I gave birth to my best friend.  My daughter is just that.  We have had lies and betrayal but we always end up in each other’s arms full of love and support.  She is not only my best friend but my hero.  I know she isn’t perfect.  She knows the same of me.  We let each other down a lot but we always know its from a good place and we have the ability to discuss it and move forward.  

Friendships don’t always have to be in person

In my darkest times when I felt I had no one to talk to, I reached out to someone I met online.  I was in the middle of the BDSM workshop from Loving BDSM with Kayla Lords and John Brownstone.  Devastated and trying to find my footing I sent them an email.  Kayla responded almost immediately.  Supportive, understanding and full of amazing advice.  It was that moment that I realized that I wasn’t alone.  I had never met them and only had online communication with them.  They were both responsive and more supportive than I could have hoped for.

While I was ready to shut my blog down because it was based on everything about me and Daddy, they were supportive of me doing what I felt was best for me but encouraged me to continue.  I did continue and since then I have met more wonderful people online, made amazing friends, attended Eroticon 2019, became a toy reviewer and I am dangerously close to getting something published.

Listing these amazing people that I have met online would assuredly end in me forgetting someone so I won’t.  I hope they all know who they are and how much I appreciate my online friends and community.

The meaning of friendships

All friendships struggle.  That is what makes them stronger.  At some point, you have to decide if your effort is worth it.  I am learning this the hard way, still.  I want to trust everyone and believe that they mean what they say and that nothing is taken for granted.  You find that in friends and sometimes you find your friends in family.

Friendships take on so many shapes and forms. While I am more guarded about who I let into my circle I won’t give up on friendships.  They are valuable and meaningful.


Wicked Wednesday







  • Marie Rebelle

    This is such a lovely post, except for the part of the betrayal. So sorry that happened, but you do have some lovely friendships in your life, which is good. And I loved meeting you at Eroticon even though we only spoke briefly. We should change that next time.

    Rebel xox

    • Toy

      Thank you. The betrayal was hard but I try and find lessons in them. And I enjoyed talking to you too! Next time we will make sure to spend more time!

  • Molly

    Friendships and I have definitely been a turbulent road but now I am in a place where I have some very close and ear friends and I wouldn’tbe without them


    • Toy

      I feel the same. When I think about the betrayal I always remember the true friends I have in my life that make it positive. The ones that make me laugh and also hang around when things aren’t that great.

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