Twisted

I’ve been a little off for a month or so.  No real reason why that I can pinpoint but when I saw this week’s prompt “twisted” it resonated with me that maybe that is a good description of how I have been feeling.  On and off feeling good and sexy then bad and not sexy.  Missing people I shouldn’t miss and avoiding people that miss me.  Feeling twisted is a good description.

I wonder about myself sometimes in that I know I have a decent life.  When the issues of finances and problems with the girls and taking care of my mom surface, I know in my heart things aren’t really that bad.  The patio I was building has been a pain in the ass and I pushed myself too hard doing it alone and have been in physical pain all week.  I know better.  What point was I trying to prove and to whom was I trying to prove it?  Or is it that I really just wanted it done and wanted to be proud of my accomplishment.

I haven’t had specific tasks or anyone to tell me I have done well.  I miss that and wanted to do something that would make me proud and this project has made me feel like a failure.  In two days I carried 25 bags of rocks by myself a decent distance, dumped them, raked them, and tried to level them.  My whole fucking body hurts from head to toe.

I miss feeling sexy

Feeling sexy happens for me in a lot of different ways.  I have learned to embrace a lot of different kinds and types of sexy.  Carrying bads of rocks and building this patio has made me frustrated but also made me feel sexy.  I liked feeling strong and capable.  Particularly after a year of feeling worthless.  I didn’t mind that I was working without a bra and that made me feel sexy too!  (And much more comfortable without a bra considering all the sweating that was going on.  The sexy feelings didn’t last and I instantly felt the gloom and doom of my patio failure.

I have felt sexy but it hasn’t been the same.  I have an amazing connection with someone and it is wonderful but I am missing my kinks.  I miss twisted nipples and pulling hair and spanking.  I miss being submissive.  It isn’t the only way I feel sexy but it is one way that I really miss.

Feeling twisted in my mind and heart and not in my body

My mind reels all day long with all the things that worry me.  Some I can control but most I can not, I still worry though.  I run through scenarios in my head and all the what if situations hourly.  I have conversations in my mind I wish I could have with each person I am worried about.  I worry about finances, health, all of it.

I miss my body being twisted and pulled and touched and positioned.  Being told what to do and when to do it.  Missing all of that doesn’t mean I will never have it again.  And until then I will find ways to feel sexy. Sometimes that is hauling rocks, and sometimes that is pulling out an old comfy top that makes me feel little and cute and sexy and brings wonderful memories of times when my body was more twisted than my mind.