Orange square with black writing I'm fine
Every Damn Day in June,  Every Damn Day In June,  Memes and Things

I’m fine

Someone asked me the other day, “How are you?”.  I never really know how to answer that question.  Particularly of late, I don’t know that I know the answer or could answer for that matter.  My life for the past two years has been about finding my new normal.  It seems like I am constantly trying to find my new normal.  I usually just answer, “I’m fine.”

I know it is vague but It is an easy response.  I go back and forth between wanting to explain how I am truly feeling, doubting they really care enough to listen and it was just a nicety, and not having the energy to truly go into it and do it justice.  At least the justice I feel it deserves. So, “I’m fine” works for me most of the time.

Sometimes I feel if I truly sat down and explained what was happening with me no one would believe it.  But others go through things that I don’t think I could handle so sometimes it is a matter of not wanting to burden others with my own crap.  And so it goes.

To be honest, most of the time I am fine.  I get up and do what has to be done.  I pick my times to let the little things and the big things grab my focus.  I add things to my “to do” list and keep busy, both body and mind.  Usually, as I decide to go to bed the thoughts I’ve kept at bay creep in.  If they crept in one at a time giving me a chance to process them that would be doable.  They don’t though.  They come in all at once and the overwhelming rush of emotions land like a brick.

Is it okay to say I’m fine when I know I am not (most of the time)

I know it depends on the person who is doing the asking.  Do I want to share my deep stuff with them?  Do I want to worry  casual friends with it?  Are they asking because they truly want to know?  Split second analyzing isn’t my thing so it never really matters who is asking, I just say I’m fine.

I have a friend I can tell everything without worrying about how she is doing and she does the same.  When we get together it can be a bitch fest or we laugh until we cry, both happy and sad cry.  It is good for me to have that one person in my life.  I reached a point where I didn’t (and still don’t) trust anyone.  Friends that have said I could trust them, lied.  The family that said they would support me, didn’t.  I was always trusting.  I gave people a million chances and forgave freely.   I no longer do that – and that makes me sad.

everydamndayinjune

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