I’m fine

Someone asked me the other day, “How are you?”.  I never really know how to answer that question.  Particularly of late, I don’t know that I know the answer or could answer for that matter.  My life for the past two years has been about finding my new normal.  It seems like I am constantly trying to find my new normal.  I usually just answer, “I’m fine.”

I know it is vague but It is an easy response.  I go back and forth between wanting to explain how I am truly feeling, doubting they really care enough to listen and it was just a nicety, and not having the energy to truly go into it and do it justice.  At least the justice I feel it deserves. So, “I’m fine” works for me most of the time.

Sometimes I feel if I truly sat down and explained what was happening with me no one would believe it.  But others go through things that I don’t think I could handle so sometimes it is a matter of not wanting to burden others with my own crap.  And so it goes.

To be honest, most of the time I am fine.  I get up and do what has to be done.  I pick my times to let the little things and the big things grab my focus.  I add things to my “to do” list and keep busy, both body and mind.  Usually, as I decide to go to bed the thoughts I’ve kept at bay creep in.  If they crept in one at a time giving me a chance to process them that would be doable.  They don’t though.  They come in all at once and the overwhelming rush of emotions land like a brick.

Is it okay to say I’m fine when I know I am not (most of the time)

I know it depends on the person who is doing the asking.  Do I want to share my deep stuff with them?  Do I want to worry  casual friends with it?  Are they asking because they truly want to know?  Split second analyzing isn’t my thing so it never really matters who is asking, I just say I’m fine.

I have a friend I can tell everything without worrying about how she is doing and she does the same.  When we get together it can be a bitch fest or we laugh until we cry, both happy and sad cry.  It is good for me to have that one person in my life.  I reached a point where I didn’t (and still don’t) trust anyone.  Friends that have said I could trust them, lied.  The family that said they would support me, didn’t.  I was always trusting.  I gave people a million chances and forgave freely.   I no longer do that – and that makes me sad.