Overthinking

I think and over think everything.  I am getting worse in some areas and better in others but basically, I am constantly over thinking things and worrying about things.  Sometimes I label it as processing.  I do that when I want to justify the worry and overthinking.  I get it honestly from my mother.  When she does it I tell her it will be okay or process with her so we can figure things out, but basically, I am just as bad as she is.

I have never explored the possibility of anxiety issues.  I was always the calm one in the family.  The one that took over and helped Mom or whoever needed it.  Growing up this started after our house caught fire when I was 15.  After that, I just felt obligated to make sure that everything and everyone was ok.  I was a fixer, helper, solver, closer.  I didn’t mind, it gave me purpose.  There was always someone that needed support and I was able to avoid focusing on me and my issues.

Now that I am alone it seems to be manifesting into something that I am unfamiliar with. 

Overthinking was a light way of putting what I was doing and it worked for a while.  Even in the worst times, I had a backup.  I was in a relationship or married and that person could pick up the slack when I was dealing with family or friends issues.  Some would say I was obsessive about it but I was able to help enough to make myself feel better, and as I said, avoid my own shit.   Now, I am alone.  I have good friends but clearly see they all have their own shit they are going through so I don’t share much.  Typically, I am an open book about what I am going through, but I am not as clear about how badly things are affecting me.

Lately, I have been feeling a certain way that I can’t explain.  When I listen to others it sounds like anxiety but I have never thought about myself as anxious or nervous.  I don’t self-diagnosis because I will probably come up with the worst possible scenario.  When I do that, I typically quickly dismiss it and then ignore what is going on.

There have been a lot of things in succession that has happened over the past year.  Things that have me in a constant state of overthinking.  The death of my father, and taking more time and attention for my mother, the loss of my D/s relationship and my best friend and lover.  My daughter moving home with her girlfriend and the adjustment and changes that presented.  Finding someone that I truly want a relationship with but realizing that relationship is part of a pattern I was trying to break.  On top of all of that, there is financial issues, professional issues and trying to take care of myself as well.

When I try and talk about it with my closest circle they are helpful

Is there is a part of me that gets comfort in the overthinking?  When I do share a little more with my friends how things are affecting me sometimes I get frustrated.  I know they are trying to help.  It makes me wonder if I just don’t want to let go of the over thinking.

Overthinking for me use to be a way of processing what was going on in my life.  Maybe there is too much going on right now and that makes me feel somewhat worse?  I am not sure.  Of all the things listed above I can “delete” the things, I can not do anything about.  My ex is gone, I can’t change that.  My father is gone, I can’t change that. There is no overthinking within my possibilities that will change that.  So when my wheels start to spin, I remind myself of those things.

Focusing on the things I can change is the key and I know that.  I then start to overthink the choices and possibilities I have to make things better.  I feel better when I make those decisions but it is a hard road to be able to make them.

Overthinking versus actually making a move.

Friday, I made some decisions and make some phone calls.  It was helpful.  I feel better.  That is all I can ask for right now.  Those decisions were in one aspect of what I have been overthinking so at least we ar one step closer to making things a little lighter on my brain.