Over the past few years, my ability to love all and trust has been diminished to nothing. This makes me sad because I use to be a very trusting person. I trusted that people (most people) were honest and good and truly trying to be good people. Trying to be a good person myself, I naturally assumed others were doing the same. Wrong. Trusting people has hurt me. Loving people have hurt me. Trying to do both equally has proven impossible. Love all, trust a few. I saw this written out today and instantly knew I had to borrow it for a post. (I believe that it is a title of an episode of Empire) but it was when I was scrolling through a bunch of stuff. So giving credit where I think it is due.
This describes me almost perfectly. I instantly like most people. There are only a few people that I can say I do not like, meaning I don’t want to spend time with them but I’m cordial. There are some I don’t mind but wouldn’t want to have a beer with. Others I wish I could spend all my time talking about anything and everything for hours. Maybe even napping on the couch, waking up and starting again over beer and pizza. Sometimes the feeling on all three counts is equal and balanced. Most of the time they aren’t equal or balanced at all.
I love (not fall in love) easily. Mostly, I love people in general. Hearing their stories, backgrounds, what made them who they are on the day I met them. What were they like? What changes did they make to themselves and what made those changes possible? Were they changes of choice or circumstance? I use to dream of writing biographies for people, believing that every human I come in contact with has impacted change in some way. Wanting to document the trails of the people that I meet and how they were led to me. It fascinates me to learn the path that made it possible for me to meet people. Feeling this particularly with my new online family of sex bloggers.
Maybe I don’t love all the people (I often say I hate people after being in public for a small period of time so there is that). I do have a level of social anxiety but that has come later in life. I remember sitting with a friend in a bail bondsman office trying to get her son out of jail and just chatting with people that were waiting with us. My friend asked if there was no one I wouldn’t start a conversation with! I use to walk through “the block” (strip bars, hookers, and drug dealer’s home base) in Baltimore to get to my fancy investment banking job and talk to the people working there. Fascinated by their stories.
Trust a few
I look back now and realize that I trusted those hookers and drug dealers more then than I trust some of the people that are or were in my inner circle currently. I have trusted, believed, taken people at their word again and again. Giving second, third and fourth chances over and over again. As of late, I have always come up hurt. Trust a few has become my new mantra and I am not happy about that. I liked trusting people. Trusting they will show up when they say they will to trusting they will not break my heart intentionally. Trusting I won’t have to keep giving chances to people that are supposed to have my best interest in mind as well.
On a level of trust from my D/s perspective, I am at a loss. Only one Dom, only one D/s relationship and it feels like it was over before it really began. I trusted him with my heart, body, and soul and he burned all three to ashes in a text message. Some would say that was my sign that it wasn’t a good D/s relationship. I don’t disagree with those perspectives. Some would say I haven’t really experienced a true D/s relationship. I don’t disagree with that either, but I also think there is no such thing as one kind of D/s relationship. Believing in many different shapes and forms of a D/s relationship exist.
My D/s relationship was disjointed at times.
It was long distance at times. Sometimes it was non-existent. Placed on hold until he was ready to resume. I accepted it and I was a good submissive for him. He took advantage of that, threw that away and wasted it, wasted me. I let him. Trusting him with everything I had in me. Never believing he would do to me what he had done to others. I was foolish in trusting that.
I lost friends because of my submission and dedication to him, but perhaps they weren’t really friends to start with. They used me to get to him, to learn his secrets, to replace me. I let them because it gave me information for him, which he used to let them in and eventually replace me. Trust? Trust a few? I doubt I will ever trust anyone fully again.
Some of my family walked away after I decided to have a relationship with a woman. Her friends didn’t think I was gay enough to be with her. I trust that both my family and her friends would trust my decisions and support me through them. Not walk away. I trusted her to love my daughter unconditionally as I did. Like I had seen other “step” families do, they made it work. She hid her struggles with that from me.
Love all, trust a few
As much as I relate to this new found phrase, it also makes me sad. I still love hearing peoples stories and experiences, but trusting them is difficult. Trusting they are telling the truth. I use to feel good that they would trust me with their stories. Now I wonder if they even tell me the truth. I question everything. Wondering if they have arterial motives. Perhaps being alone and not trusting anyone is a safer place to be.
Love all and trust a few is good advice I guess. But what is a few? How many times and how many people do I trust and continue to risk the pain I feel. I loved again and was hurt and let down. Trusted again, I was hurt and let down. Perhaps it boils down to loving and trusting the right people. I get it but that is a lesson I struggle with. Knowing who to love and trust. I don’t want my past to be the reason my future is spent alone and not loving or trusting people. My past and the lessons there should be the reason I love better and trust again.
Love all, trust a few
It is a good mantra. And maybe, just maybe, loving myself fully and trusting myself more is where my focus should be going forward.