February Photofest 2020,  Memes and Things


Ubuntu!  I have spent much of the past few years feeling sad because the people I most trusted in my life betrayed me.  Girlfriends, soul mates, my Dom, My ex-wife.  There were so many that I allowed to treat me badly and never really saw what was happening.  The betrayal and lies, the jokes and cons, it was all overwhelming and became my focus.  I use to make sure that everyone was happy regardless of how I felt.  I truly believe that the meaning of Ubuntu is a real thing.  I liked living that way.  As I fell into a group of people who didn’t follow that philosophy I lost it.  I hate that I lost it.

All the reflecting in the word will never help me understand how people that I loved and gave my all to could hurt me so blatantly and seemingly without regret.  I wish I could say the worst was my best friend but it wasn’t.  I know this probably breaks the girl code but I wasn’t as devasted by her betrayal as I was my ex-Dom.  I think it is safe to say that has a lot to do with the relationship between Dom and sub, but either way, his betrayal hurt worse than anything I have ever felt.

Recently he has been back in my life because we work together.  Every time I see him I try to tell myself he looks sad but I really don’t know if he looks any differently at all.  I believe the lense I saw him through wasn’t rose-colored but it was filtered through the eye of a woman who wanted to believe and serve him.  Knowing his faults was a good thing because I knew what he was and I never asked him to change anything.  I accepted him and his faults without question.  His return to my everyday existence has been difficult on all levels and it has been a challenge to keep the balance I have worked so hard for over the past year and a half.

Ubuntu was nothing that I thought of as I reflected and struggled over how to handle this new development.  I actually didn’t have a philosophy to follow through this new development except to think, “what the fuck am I going to do?”  I didn’t know.  I’d leave the office sad and sometimes teary after we had a laugh over something, he teased me the way he use to, or he simply looked at me and smiled.  No, during those times Ubuntu wasn’t what I was thinking.

I lost a lot of friends, my core group.  Slowly trying to reinvent me and make new connections has been hard.  Dating has been horrible, and life has sucked.  The beginning of the year marked two months with no contact from him and then suddenly he is in my face on a regular basis.  It has been difficult and has impacted every part of my life.

When I went back to work after a hiatus of two months, the very first day he and I had to spend about an hour together.  I left that day feeling all the feels and basically cried the whole walk to my car.  That day, I was scheduled to take Mom to the grocery store.  She doesn’t drive so the universe has reversed itself and I am now her taxi driver.  I went to pick her up with a pretty heavy heart.  We talked about senseless stuff and I finally decided to tell her what I was feeling.  (Minus some of the details).  She was incredibly supportive and actually gave some pretty good advice.  Mom was a rock over the past month while I was recovering from surgery.  She didn’t want me to have the surgery but she was in my corner the whole time.  She slept on my very uncomfortable couch, helped with trains, meds, ice packs, etc.  Mom knows what Ubuntu means.  I guess that is where I got it.

The other person that has me feeling the Ubuntu vibe is my daughter.  I have written about this kid before.  She is freaking amazing.  I would love to take all the credit but I believe much of it she has done on her own.  She has always been there for me.  She has a few years where she stepped out a bit but since she has moved back she has been amazing.  She helped me last year with February Photofest 2019.  (She is 24 so it was cool).  She listens to me when I need to talk about anything even if it doesn’t make sense.  She makes time for movie night, helps with the house and dogs and still thinks I’m the coolest Mom ever.  Always asking if I am ok and if I need anything. I love this girl.  Ubuntu – yes, and not just because she has to support me because I’m her Mom, this is who she is with everyone.

Then there is the guy who has become my best friend.  Nothing romantic at all just friends.  We have the best philosophical conversations, usually over tequila and cigars.  He texts me at least once a week to check on me and was amazing over the recovery from my surgery.  We get together at least once a month and have dinner.  His mom has cancer, his work is crazy busy, but he makes time for me.  This is a guy that I could talk about Ubuntu with and not worry that he would think it is bullshit.   He is an amazing person and friend.  He is also my ex-Dom’s best friend.  That is how I met him.  When I lost my Dom (he doesn’t know about that part) he never flinched.  He said he wished it hadn’t happened but he still wanted me in his life. That is a rare thing in my experience.  Usually, people pick sides.  He didn’t.

Then there is my ride or die, girl.  Our friendship has evolved after we met in college.  She knows where all the bodies are buried.  This is a girl that feels the Ubuntu philosophy but will also tell me when I’m being stupid.  I love this girl from my soul.  She has struggles, some similar to mine, some I don’t know how she deals with.  She will always be there when I need her and I know she knows the same is true for me.

The prompt this week made me really think about the positive people in my life, both friends and family.  Sometimes when you focus on the bad that is all you feel.  Tonight felt good to purposely think of those that are with me and know they would never betray me.  Not just know it, but believe it.  Something that has been very difficult to do lately.


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  • Marie Rebelle

    Isn’t it wonderful when we stop and think about, look at what we have, we realize there is so much good in our lives, and it makes you even more grateful for it. With your mom, your daughter and your friends, you have an Ubuntu team around you to support you and make you move away from the negative people. That is wonderful!

    Rebel xox

  • Liz BlackX

    I can’t even imagine what it would be like to have to work with a former Dom. That must be so hard.

    I’m happy for you that you have a good group of people in your life. Friendship and love are so important ☺️

    • Toy

      It is a challenge. We started as just friends so I guess the ability for social politeness comes from a place where I genuinely liked the guy. But it is an emotional roller coaster for sure.

  • Kristan X

    The connections we make with people can be so valuable. It’s definitely worth taking a moment sometimes to reflect on them like this. Thanks for doing so publically. I found it quite inspiring.

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