Being curious about the unknown is not a bad thing. It is tricky though. For me, the fear has always beat out curiosity. I can look back on all the chapters of my life and see where I was curious about things but was afraid to follow up on them and fail. I think that is normal for most excluding those folks that live on adrenalin and thrive on beating the odds. I am not one of those people. Sometimes, I wish I was like those folks but at this point, I am who I am. One of the things that I realize my fear of failing that killed my curiosity is my sexuality.
I believe I came into my sexuality later than most. Having said that I have learned that I am not the only one and that makes me feel better. A little bit. There is regret attached to it for me and from others that I have read that have talked about their experiences. I was always curious about sexual things but based on my upraising, and the time that I grew up, it wasn’t appropriate for me (or any woman) to be curious. Those were the times.
Being curious was something that I kept to my self. I remember seeing the little book Forum, put out by Penthouse Magazine in convenience stores. I would walk by it many times in the stores and wonder what it was. It was covered and toward the back of the newsstand so I knew it was “adult content” (now known as NSFW). I remember vividly the first time I picked up the magazine and tried to look casual as I glanced through it. I did that two or three times before I got up the nerve to purchase it. Reading the stories in my car of sexual fantasies and experiences, feeding my curiosity, then throwing the magazine away before I went home.
Being curious about sex in general even after I had sex was a constant thought for me. Partially because I didn’t get the big deal. I was late to lose my virginity compared to most of my friends and their constant raving about it and bragging about it made me feel less than adequate. I am fully aware now there may have been some exaggeration happening there!
I know I am not alone in my “late bloomer” status when it comes to sex. I am learning to be ok with that. I have come to terms with most of it for now. I struggle differently now. I can let go of the fact that I feel like I lost a lot of time, wasted, to be honest. I wish I had paid more attention to how curious I was and explored things sooner than I did. I do have to let that go. I can not go back and change that aspect of my sexuality. If I could, I am not sure I would because I wouldn’t be who I am now with my sexuality and perhaps wouldn’t appreciate it as much as I do. I can only focus forward.
Focusing forward is a good thing, but hard because I am single. Finding someone to trust with my curiosity is difficult. I have tried online dating on multiple sites that boast kink-friendly patrons with little luck in finding the right match. Some were clueless and pretending to know what they were doing. Some were just my kind of kinky. Some weren’t kinky and were just on the site because it was another site to meet people. It is almost a full or part-time job to be on this kind of journey.
Finding people that just want to date and be in a relationship is easier. There is always the thought that you grow together as a couple and I can appreciate that. However, I am learning that I still struggle with taking the lead on things related to sex. I am learning to advocate and protect myself but still struggle to ask for what I want. My ex-Dom was very good at introducing things for me and knowing what I was interested in. I miss that. I miss him. Even though I am probably better off without him in other ways, I miss his sensual sexuality, confidence, and control. Perhaps I am comparing everyone to him and that isn’t fair, to them or me. I am working on figuring that out.
Working on conquering the fear and allowing myself to be curious is my new goal. At least in my sexuality. Finding someone to share those things with me isn’t a necessity. I can still be curious on my own. Maybe this new process will help me find the confidence to ask for what I want when the opportunity arises. Anything is possible. One thing I know is that I know how to embrace being curious. I can revisit the things I have experienced and expand on them. Going forward I can and will allow my curiosity to take to the places I feared to go before.