You Did This

Yes, you did this.  You opened a part of me I wasn’t aware of and made me feel I was worth the time and effort you took to educate me.  You created experiences for me that made my heart and soul sore.  You managed to make me allow myself to see the good in me.  The curves were ok.  The scars were sexy.  Age wasn’t an issue.  The history of hurt and rejection was just that, the past.  You did this amazing thing.  Then you made it all disappear with a short text from your phone.

Almost three years now, and while I am better, I am still healing.  People say it takes time to recover, and time will heal all.  I’m still waiting.  I laugh more now.  This is a win considering I never saw myself happy again. The pain is still there, but I think with any kind of grief, you manage it. However, it never goes away.  You did this amazing thing and brought out what I felt was the best in me.  Then you did this other thing that made me think it was all a lie.  Perhaps it was.  I will never know for sure.  I will never know because you wouldn’t give me the courtesy of a conversation.  Anyone I have shared our journey with says your a dick.  I can’t disagree with that.  I am always meticulous in explaining your good qualities, but we are typically judged by our most recent actions, aren’t we?  After all, you judged me by my most recent action and all the other things I had done for you and to support you were forgotten.

You did this other thing that I don’t think you planned out.  While you were on your way to someone or something new, I was left alone to figure out what to do.  You had introduced me to this fantastic kinky community that embraced me.  I mean, they welcomed me.  They didn’t care what my kinks were.  They didn’t care who I loved, how I loved, or when I loved.  I have met some amazing people in this kinky community.  Some are similar to me, and some are different from me, but there is no judgment from the ones I keep close.  They like everyone’s curves; they respect everyone’s kinks and choices.  I never knew this community could exist for me.  Recently, some have hurt others, and the uprising of support I have watched has been remarkable.  It has also shown me that I still have room to grow.  I love this community and feel a part of it.  You did this for me.

As far as a D/s relationship, I doubt seriously I will ever engage in that again.  You are/were the only one that I would trust with that part of me, and you destroyed that trust.  I know that doesn’t mean others would treat me that way, but I am not willing to risk that pain again.  At least not right now.  I don’t want to give up my kinks.  It’s been forever since I have felt the thrill from impact play.  I barely remember the charge from pulled hair or a deep whisper in my ear, instructing me in some way.  I miss it.  You did this to me.  Sometimes, now that time has passed, I do wonder if I still miss you and all the bullshit that comes with you, or do I really just miss the kinks we shared.  Would I find that thrill with another?  I don’t know.  You did this to me.  You brought it out in me.  Being with anyone else in that way seems wrong.  How could I share something I thought was so special between us with someone else?

One thing I know for sure.  While you brought this out in me, I was the one that maintained my love for writing kinky stories and talking about finding my kinks.  I was the one that kept moving forward while you were the one that walked away from the plans we had.  I was the one that, while broken and devastated, I walked on and kept my head held high and didn’t give in to your biting words I read on the screen of my phone that day.  I did that!