Are You Watching?

Watching or being watched, which do you prefer. A few years ago I would have answered this question differently. The thought of anyone watching me in any kind of sexual capacity would have made me shudder with anxiety. Looking back now, I see my feeling that way was low self-esteem, bad body image, self-loathing, you get the idea.

Watching in the past.

A year before I started my first D/s relationship, I met a very nice man. He was adventurous and became a very patient teacher. He talked about things I had never thought of, and some that I had thought about as well. This man respected my hesitance and apprehension but also pushed ever so slightly to get me moving forward. I believe he saw something in me I hadn’t seen myself but we both knew was there waiting to break free.

He told me stories of walking into his girlfriends house while her parents were fucking on the kitchen table. Like something out of a porn video he would give details about the happenings in that house. I was captivated.

One day he picked me up from work for lunch and we drove to a park. This park I had gone to with my parents and walked the trails and old swinging bridge countless times. He drove around to a trail and place I had never visited. We parked and walked up a path and sat at the picnic bench. We were just chatting and he started telling me about a couple that spent time in this area fucking. All day, just fucking, and hoping that someone would stop and watch them. Almost on demand, he looked behind me and nodded his head in the direction of an opening between two large oak trees. There they were.

He told me to turn and face them. I did as he asked. He came around to my side of the table and sat beside me. We watched. I was uncomfortable at first. I felt like we were invading their privacy, even though that was what they wanted. What I noticed most was how turned on I was. He noticed and I am sure that he was expecting this as much as I was surprised by it. He reached his hand between my thighs. The skirt I had on gave him easy access. Wasting no time he fingered my clit, already wet and slippery. In moments I was on the picnic table and his head was between my legs. The heat from the sun on my face and his tongue stroking my clit was overwhelming. I felt a shadow cross between my face and the sun blocking that heat I was lost in. Opening my eyes, I saw the couple had approached us and were very close to the picnic table, almost close enough to touch me. I jumped forward-moving my hips away from his face. Very calmly, he stood up and whispered, “she is a little shy”. The man-made a comment that I didn’t look shy to him, but they walked away.

Looking back now, knowing what I know, I know that he set that up. He set me up. I didn’t have the courage to voice how upset I was back then. I sure would like about 10 minutes with him now. I went through all usual thoughts; maybe he thought that was what I wanted, we had talked about it, maybe I gave mixed signals. Part of the issue I had with the couple is they were cleaning dealing with some kind of substance use. In the brief moment, they were close that much was clear. My friend had protected me and asked them to leave, and I never felt in danger for my safety, just surprised and embarrassed.

We didn’t end up working out and parted ways shortly after that day. Not because of that day, although that should have been the reason because he hadn’t been honest about his marital status. Yeah, he was a jerk. The interesting thing was I couldn’t stop thinking about that day. There was a huge part of me that wished I had handled it differently. Maybe if I had known the plan I would have been ready for the audience. Maybe I wouldn’t have gone – I am not sure. The thoughts of watching that couple kept creeping into my thoughts. At a distance, I was comfortable watching them. Later when I was stronger I went back to that place. There was no one there but I had vivid dreams about what that situation could have been and wrote A Walk in the Woods.

In my D/s relationship, toward the end, we attempted a threesome with his primary. Our first time together was exciting and scary. He and I had discussed it at length and it was easier to get to her to agree than we thought. I believe there was a lot of Fireball whiskey involved that night. The one thing that stood out (surprisingly with everything that went on and that being my first threesome) was the end. We had all fucked each other and took turns with each. He knew she would need some extra attention so while I laid on my back on the bed next to her, he leaned over her and asked her what she wanted. “I want your cock in my mouth, Daddy.” I watched as he shifted and in one very smooth motion, he slid is cock in her mouth. The room was dark and the hall light was shinning through the door. All I could see was the silhouette of what was happening. His cock, moving slowly in and out of her mouth. Her eyes closed, her lips closing around his cock tightly, taking him fully in her mouth. I had always been jealous of her. Her youth, her body, her skin, her hair. Being this vulnerable with the two of them was hard, but also one of the hottest experiences I had ever had. His moans as he came close to orgasm left m breathless. I was still except for my hand between my thighs. As he finished in her mouth, she reached out and took my free hand. Watching them was sexy, hot, and beautiful. We were together maybe two or three times after that and watching them was always enjoyable to me. I wasn’t jealous of her during those times. Maybe because I was an active participant, but mostly, they were simply beautiful together and I felt beautiful watching them.

Watching in the present.

I am not sure how I feel about being watched or watching others now. I am curious for sure. I think my past experiences, one kind of bad and one very hot and sexy, means I need to give it another try. I do like the thought of someone watching me anonymously. I spend a lot of time sun bathing in my back yard. I like to sunbathe naked. Laying in the sun has always turned me on and being naked in the sun is even more of a turn on to me. When I had my farm, I had privacy. In my current home, I do not. The neighbors to the left have a two story house. I often wonder when I am laying in the sun if they can see me, are they watching me. The thought makes me feel charged. I don’t know if this is the thought of them watching me, or not knowing if they are watching me.

My ex-Dom would often send me to the sex shop to by a new dildo and send me somewhere in the car to park and use it, take a picture of me using it, and send it to him. These were new and hot experiences for me. I miss those types of things from him. I wonder if I would enjoy the task coming from someone else. I think that is left to be seen. I trusted him and that will take time to build with someone else. The current guy I am seeing is not Dominant, but we often talk about finding a private beach and having sex there. He knows a place and has a boat, we just haven’t found a way to make it work yet. I am hopeful that happens. I actually think at this point, I am much more adventurous than he is in this realm.

I don’t know if I think all bloggers are exhibitionists. I think we all share a common desire to share our experiences. That means all experiences, though, not just the sexual ones.