Talk to me, or about me; it will be something I obsess over. I have always had a paranoia about people talking about me. It didn’t matter if they were saying good things or bad things; I always thought people were talking. It wasn’t until recently that I found there are times I don’t mind it at all.
I use to be worried that people would talk about me. If I was the first to leave a group, the entire way home was thoughts of what they said the minute I left. It didn’t matter if my brain allowed me to think there were good things to be said, I always assumed they were saying negative things. That was until I started talking dirty. I was always nervous about talking dirty, or hearing dirty talk, particularly if it was about me. My first real D/s relationship changed all of that.
We started talking dirty through text. It was exhilarating, and it took very little time before I dropped all my fears and anxiety. I was told I was quite good at it. That is actually what started the idea of the Toy for Sir blog. What I realize looking back is that I was the one doing most of the texting or talking. He was reticent, reading or listening. We didn’t have a lot of one on one time, so this was our time. He loved how I expressed what I wanted him to do to me.
In the beginning, it was just vanilla things. After we had an opportunity to play a few times, it became more sexy, kinky, dirty. There was a lot of talk about crops and the paddle he made. I wanted to be tied up and restricted. I told him all my inner thoughts and fantasies. The conversation was fun, but the heat it brought up in me was hard to measure. It left me wanting more in-person contact, but it did help the time between our seeing each other.
I don’t have that anymore, and I miss it. I keep trying to work it into my current relationship but it isn’t as easy as the last. I don’t compare the two, they are two totally different relationships. They are two different people and I am careful not to expect the same from this relationship. The current relationship is fun, if not complicated. I miss hearing what someone wants to do with me. It isn’t his way and I can accept that. He does like it when I talk a little dirty and tell him what I want him to do to me. I actually think he gets a little embarrassed. I remember that feeling all too well.
I don’t know how I would feel if there was a conversation going on about me and in front of me. I haven’t experienced that, but it makes me excited to think about it. I have learned to never give up on what I want. I have also learned to ask for what I want. You will never get what you don’t ask for, work for, put in the time for. It may not be on my time frame. It may not be with this current relationship. If I want it badly enough, I will get it. Even if it doesn’t look the way I imagine it, that is ok.
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