gratitude woman with smile and hand to face beige sweater laughing smiling
Decisions,  January Jumpstart

Gratitude

Gratitude can be a struggle! I know that is a hard thing to wrap our brains around. So many people say it should not be a struggle. Just be grateful for what you have! I agree. To a point.

I have gratitude and I am grateful for the things I have in my life. I have fought hard for all of it, not most of it, all of it. I have done it alone and with others but in the end, I know it is me that will have to pull out all the stops. Why? Because I want it more than anyone else does. (In most cases and depending on what we are talking about). I don’t mind doing the heavy work. I also don’t mind doing the behind the scenes, in front of the scenes. I am a hard worker when I am asked to be. I have gratitude for the fact that I am able to be a hard worker. I like that about myself and can be grateful for that fact.

I have gratitude for the things I don’t work for and have anything to do with. I am grateful that Amazon didn’t ever miss a delivery in 2020! I am grateful that the sun rises in the morning and set in the evening whether I can see it or not. I have nothing to do with it, but I am full of gratitude that it happens. There is gratitude in my heart for those things that just happen and make me smile. It isn’t hard to find gratitude in things. Sometimes you don’t even have to look or work hard for it. Gratitude just shows up. If we open our eyes we can see it.

Sometimes though, gratitude just isn’t that easy to find or see. Those are the times that I struggle. Those times when you try multiple times at something and can’t see to get to that end goal. Those times when you are expecting something from others and they don’t come through. Those times when all seems senseless and you can’t figure out what you are doing wrong, what you are missing, what you are needing. That is when gratitude is really hard for me to recognize.

I know what you are thinking. I understand. Why isn’t having gratitude for the easy stuff, and the stuff you worked really hard enough? Good question. I don’t know. I can do a gratitude journal and write down every day the things I am grateful for. There is, however, always this lingering piece that makes you wonder where your gratitude ran off too.

The purpose of the gratitude journal is to remind yourself daily of the things you are grateful for. I understand that. I have never done a gratitude journal on pen and paper. When I am asked, I can usually rattle off a few things I am grateful for. Logging those things has always been difficult for me. Maybe I am just not consistent enough with it? I don’t know but I think about it a lot.

I mostly think about it when I am bitchy about something, or multiple things, that are going wrong or going too slowly for my liking. I know – that’s crazy right? I have things I am grateful for so why is this one thing, or multiple things dimming my light? I have always tried to be upbeat and happy. I try to be the one that helps others, makes them feel better, all those things. I am actually grateful for the skills I have that make it possible for me to do that for others. It is hard sometimes to keep that momentum. Those are the times when I just can’t find gratitude anywhere.

So, this year, I am purposely going to look for my gratitude in the dark times. When things are going well and I am happy and proud of my accomplishments gratitude is easy. I want to work on finding my gratitude when it is hard to find. When it is hiding, or just out of reach. That is going to be work but I am up for that. As I said, I am not afraid of hard work. I will not shy away from my gratitude. I am going to seek it out. When it is dark and lonely, I will try and I will find those things that are difficult to identify as good and valuable. I will find the light, even if it is a small shimmer, and I will embrace it.

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