Trust is something that comes naturally, right? From the moment we are born, we trust that those around us will take care of us. Our parents will make sure we are safe, fed, clothed, and warm. Once that trust is broken, it isn’t easy to find our comfort zone trusting again. It doesn’t matter if it is in your personal or professional life. Once that trust is lost, it is hard to get that trust back.
I have tried twice to join established couples in a way to dip my toe into the “open relationship” or “polyamorous” communities. Both times were epic failures, and I ended up hurt, trust broken, scared, and swearing to never get into that situation again. Being a third is clearly not my comfort role.
The first time was complicated, and to be honest, I should have known better. The other female involved was jealous by nature and had every right to be. Even though she was basically ok with him venturing out as long as she knew, she really wasn’t. She didn’t understand why she wasn’t enough and felt she had given him almost everything he wanted, so this was just “one more thing.” I knew this, but I felt that she would be more comfortable because we were all friends. It lasted about a month, and then she pulled back and stopped communicating. He didn’t address it (he was our Dom), and I was left wondering what happened and what did I do wrong. I tried to address in an email to them both, and neither responded. I later learned she never even read it. Trust broken, heartbroken, friendship lost.
The second time was established online through a dating app. I saw they were looking for a female to hang out with and have fun with. I reached out, and the three of us met at a local bar. They were fun. They both seemed really into it, and after I explained my first experience, they both assured me that would not happen. I was excited. We all had the same big picture, and we all liked the same kinks. We went back to the (we will call him Tim) Tim’s apartment, and while I was determined not to have sex, we kissed and drank wine. It was wonderful. He excused himself to smoke, and (we will call her Andria) Andria and I had another glass of wine. It was at that point that she said she was excited about having me in the mix, “although I don’t understand why he wants someone else. I mean, why am I not enough?” She giggled and gulped another glass of wine. Anyone else see that big flapping red flag? Yea, I did too. The next day I texted them and said I had concerns.
Now, it is important to note that they told me they were not a couple. They were perfect friends and worked together, but they were not “together.” However, the entire time we were together, they talked about their kids growing up and getting married. To me, they were a couple, whether they wanted to admit it or not. She was clearly in love with him. Tim responded to the text that I was silly. It is fine, not to worry about it, that is just how they are. She didn’t respond.
Time invited me over to talk about things, and I agreed. They were fun! I enjoyed the time, but I just wanted to be sure they were cool. She was cool with the situation. I needed to avoid a repeat of my experience. Maybe I was still really hurt and scarred and a little too cautious. I can admit that much. I was protecting myself, and that was new to me.
We met at the same bar. She had to work and couldn’t make it, but she texted a few times and knew we were together. After drinks and dinner, Tim and I went back to his place. More wine and we ended up fucking. This made things worse because I had a perfect time. Now, I was faced with a situation that I was more interested than I wanted to be because of my concerns. I decided at that moment that I was going to roll with this and see what happens. I’ll keep feelings at bay and have fun. I had had enough of complicated love entwined emotionally shit relationships. Let’s have fun with this! Then, he says, “you know, let’s not tell Adrian we fucked. She might get upset.” Yeah, I am out!
They both texted a few times, asking why I didn’t want to hang with them. I told them I didn’t feel comfortable. I felt they were more of a couple than they wanted to admit, and that was cool. They were persistent but eventually stopped reaching out. I still think about them. I think it would have been fun but being with them. Sometimes I wish I had hung in there, but my gut told me to run.
Trust isn’t a given when we are adults. Some people think you have to earn it and I agree with that to a point. I want to trust again. I don’t know how to get there. I would love to say I will trust until given a reason not to. That is hard because I am always looking for signs or waiting for other shoe to drop deep down. I appreciate the women in these scenarios. I don’t know how I would feel if I was in an established relationship and someone else joined, and I saw my partner catching feelings. I didn’t want to be a whore they called when they were feeling frisky. I wanted to be a part of the relationship. I was very in-tuned to how this may feel, and for that reason, I focused on communication and honesty.
My current guy is living with his ex. I don’t think they are as broken up as he would like to think. She is still in love with him. If not him, she is in love with the lifestyle they have. He has mentioned the three of us having sex. The anxiety that gives me is tangible. I explained both situations, and he said he would never let her come between us. I don’t trust that is true. I trust that he means it and that he believes it. I don’t trust it is possible. We have had several conversations about it, and he says he understands. I suppose that is all I can expect.
Trust is something that I want to have again. I hate that I am imposing my past bad experiences on possible new relationships that may go perfectly. I am working on that. Moving forward with a new perspective, cautious, careful, trusting as best as I can.