It is not like me to post pictures of myself online. Okay, so on this site it is kind of like me, but, the selfies on social media are not like me. For all the times I have looked at myself in pictures and rolled my eyes or headed to the frig for a cake icing and a spoon, you would think this picture would present a different result. Well, it didn’t. I didn’t run to the frig for the cake icing, but the eye roll was real.
This picture, and more to follow, is a result of a very spontaneous “boudoir” photoshoot. My friends and I were sitting around and drinking. We were all at different stages in our lives. One was married and trying to get pregnant. One was married and no want kids but wants to travel and go to bars and have fun. One was trying to decide if she should stay with the father of their son, or separate from him. Then there was me. Much older than all of them, two divorces under my belt, one with a man and one with a woman, a kid that was 25 and starting to make her own life, and a relationship status that I had no idea what was happening with. So, it makes sense that all thought boudoir photos were a good idea.
One thing I didn’t count on was how freaking expensive it was going to be. Two of the girls were making this a Christmas gift for their husbands. I would have no one to show these pictures to or gift them to. Yes, I could have them for me, do it for me, love them for me, but I knew I wouldn’t. So, I rationalized it by saying that I would use them on my blog. A business expense! But the photographer didn’t want to see me only digital, and so I ended up with a book of 12 photos, a framed photo of myself that I have no idea where to put, and the 12 digital copies because I didn’t want to pay for them, are not HD. It is not like me, not my style to spend stupid amounts of money on photos of me, particularly when my phone does a really decent job. Caught up in the moment, I paid for the package and griped about it.
To be clear, the photo shoot was fun. They did my hair, typical style with curls and a ton of hair spray. They did my make-up, dark sultry eyes with fake eyelashes, which I loved. This was not like me. The woman in this picture is done up and almost classy looking. Typically, I’m in leggings, a hoodie, a ponytail, and yesterday’s mascara. When I looked at this image I barely recognized this person. The problem is, I am not sure if I like her or not.
Aging fucking sucks. I really wish I was going through this process more gracefully, but I am not. I see the lines, the dark spots from too much sun, all the stuff I can’t reverse because I know better now. When you think about what you would tell your younger self, I have a week-long monologue prepared. The point is that monologue means nothing now. It is too late to change the past.
I like looking natural; I just wish I looked better in my natural state. It is always fun to play dress up and be different than you are most of the time. I am the girl that likes to get all dressed up (after ditching all the self-doubt about how I look or at least ignoring it for the evening). I also realize that is not like me, so I really look forward to getting home in my comfy clothes and returning to the comfortable turtle shell I love so much.
The woman in this photo is pretty, smiling, seems to be having fun, and, I would be willing to bet that she felt good that all her body image issues were covered in this photo so that makes it even better. I know what happened before and what happened after this photo was taken so I have the upper hand here. Directly before the photo, I had taken a selfie and sent it to my friends. I didn’t like the selfie and walking into the camera’s view I wasn’t feeling the best. It is interesting to me that when I look at this photo – you can not tell that this is not me. It looks like me and I look happy.
I think the aging process is kicking my ass. The photoshoot showed me a view that I hadn’t had for a while. I think that is a good thing. I am working on getting better at accepting this aging process. It is a constant battle and I get tired from it. The woman in this photo seems fun and like she doesn’t have a care in the world. That is not like me. I wish it was.