My scars are sexy and remind me to love the body I have.Chrisy Kay
I need surgery! When they tell you that you need surgery, it takes a minute to set in. I knew I needed surgery in the back of my mind, but I wasn’t ready to accept that and hoped there was another option.
In January of 2021, through all the trials of the pandemic, I started noticing that something was off. I probably saw it before but wasn’t paying attention. I was experiencing a copious discharge that didn’t seem right. It was different than anything I had experienced before. Initially, I started tracking it to masturbating and could be a regular discharge. It wasn’t. No matter how hard I tried to make it seem normal, I knew it wasn’t. In March, I made an appointment to see my gynecologist. That began a four-month journey.
I went through many appointments, medicines, antibiotics, and tests. My doctor was a trooper and tried everything she could think of doing. The last test was a pelvic MRI, which showed what we already knew. I needed surgery, a hysterectomy.
I want to be clear that my birthing days were well behind me. I am 56 years old and aware that I will never have another baby. I had one miscarriage and was able to bring one beautiful daughter into this world 26 years ago. I knew where I was in my life and would never experience that type of joy again. Knowing all of that did not stop me from feeling a certain way that my reproductive organs would be removed from my body. I do not think my uterus and ovaries defined me as a woman. Those organs did not make me a woman or make me feel feminine. What I felt were emotions that I didn’t know how to define. While I knew what I knew, I didn’t understand why I felt so sad about this surgery. I needed surgery; it wasn’t an option.
There was cancer. The only way to get to it was surgery. The doctors were unsure how much or where it was exactly, but whatever the MRI showed them made them want to do the procedure sooner rather than later. Sooner for them was about a month to schedule and get all the pre-op work-ready. It was the longest month I can remember.
I am single. I used to say I am alone, and while that is true, I have great people who love me and support me. They are friends and family, but they aren’t “that one” person that lives with you and knows you. The person who can take care of your dog while you spend a night in the hospital having surgery. The person that you don’t feel like you are inconveniencing by asking for help. Asking for help is something I am not good at doing. I spent that month dealing with the pre-op appointments and planning for things I hadn’t thought about.
I needed a living will, a power of attorney, who will take care of my mom, who doesn’t drive and needs my support because she is also alone? Who will love my dog as much as I do? My daughter was still here but also had her own life and dealt with many things independently. I felt like a burden to everyone that I knew I could ask. I had people begging me to let them help. It was beautiful, and I felt all the love. I couldn’t let go of the feeling that it would be an imposition. I tried to put myself in their place – of course, I would want to help and would probably be frustrated if they didn’t let me. A part of me just wanted someone to come in and take over and tell me to sit down and be still. It was a lot! Emotionally I was a mess. Everything that year had been revolving around my health, and my mom also had eye surgery, so we both felt like 2021 was a year of crap!
On top of all the usual concerns about having cancer and managing the actual surgical process, I was worried about how much work I would miss. The medical bills were overwhelming. The surgery was going to require an overnight in the hospital. I would miss two days of work. Three days after the surgery, I was at my desk in my home office doing my best to look normal. I told very few people I work with that I was going through any of it. It wasn’t a fun week for sure.
In the end, my daughter and her partner stepped up to the plate and helped get me to and from the hospital. They had their step kids with them but still managed to handle my needs and the dogs and took care of my mom’s needs as well. I still felt like a burden and continued to try and muster most of the stuff on my own. I am usually a positive person and try to find the good in everything. The surgery was a success, and for the moment, I was cancer-free. There was a possibility that something may be lingering, and I was told that scans and blood work would be necessary for about two years. I was breathing much easier and grateful for the outcome I had been given. Something else happened during all of this that would impact my life more than I could have imagined.
If you have followed me at all and read about my beginning into this blogging world of kink and erotica, you know that I started writing at the suggestion of my lover and (in my mind) the D in my D/s relationship. We ended severely and made worse because we worked together without what most people call closer. It was one of the most challenging times in my life. He and I still work together, and we always manage to be cordial and professional at work. Working from home had weeks with no contact other than online. I had moved on with another person who wasn’t into the D/s perspective, but he was a good guy, and we had a good time together. My illness and medical needs made it necessary for me to take time off work, and this had my ex-person wondering. We chatted about my health and caught up a bit in a way he hadn’t for about three years. I knew instantly that I missed him more than I wanted to admit. I had done all of the “break up” stuff. I cleared out his stuff, filed away our pictures, and tried not to think about him. This new reason to talk to him made me miss him in ways I didn’t know possible.
That catch-up conversation on Zoom led us to text each other and have the conversations we should have had three years ago. We both apologized and admitted where we made our mistakes. He was so concerned about me and my health, and it felt like we never skipped a beat. It felt comfortable and familiar. I felt like a part of me had returned, and there was nothing else missing. All of these warm and fuzzy feelings were wonderful at a time when I needed them the most. Through all the people that offered their help, he was the one I wanted with me. It wasn’t enjoyable to think that way after a few very long text messages, but that was what I was feeling and thinking.
Being back in touch didn’t change everything frustrating when we were together before, but that is for another blog post. The surgery was in July, and since then, we have continued to talk and, yes, have slid right back into our relationship. This time there is more honest, better conversation, a reality of our current situations, and dealing with the things that aren’t working well. There is work to do, and we aren’t sure where it will go and how to work something out. For now, it feels fantastic to have my best friend back. It feels good to have a D/s relationship that I have missed before. Through our talks, I told him that while I tried to find another D/s relationship, it was never the same (and it was dangerous and scary because not all who say they are Dominant are legitimate). We are in sync, and our connection as friends and lovers and D/s is electric. We agree on all of that. I told him that it was ok if I never found another person that I connected with. I had seen the love of my life in him, and if what we had was all we had, I was ok with that.
I am not sure what the future will hold, but for now, I am taking everything, my health, my relationships, and my decisions, one day at time.