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Unapologetically Me

I am unapologetically me. It has taken me a very long time to get to this point. I am 57 years old. Unfortunately I think this realization has only come to fruition over the last three years. I have made mistakes. Big ones and little ones. I have learned from every single one of those mistakes. Some of these mistakes I made more than once. That I apologize for, but I apologize to myself.

I am not evil, and I do not go out and see who I can hurt or ruin. I live my life as the best person that I can be. I try to be honest, and I expect honesty in return. My heart, at times, will take over my brain. I don’t like it when that happens, but I am also aware I am not the only one that does this. I look at my actions and if anything needs fixing, that is what I do. I fix things to the best of my ability. Somethings are not fixable. That is one of the hardest lessons to accept.

It bothers me that it took this long to get to the place that I can be okay with who I am. Don’t get me wrong… there are a few things I am still working on and still want to change. We are never complete projects and I have learned that the hard way as well.

I could go back to my childhood and the things I did back then but that really isn’t what I am talking about. Adults know the difference between right and wrong, and as adults we must try our best to make those decisions based on what we have learned and what we just know in our core. So I am talking about those things.

I haven’t always been faithful. It wasn’t always a physical affair, but my heart and mind were at times, elsewhere. The people that I was with were not fulfilling something in me. I couldn’t even tell you know what those things were – there was just something missing. Both of my marriages had problems before the time I drifted away, but that is no excuse. I should have been honest and told the people I was with what I was feeling. Both times, I didn’t know what I was feeling, but I did know it was wrong and had the potential to hurt people that I still loved and cared about. I still feel badly about that. One person has moved on and in some ways forgiven me. I believe they realized that we were not a good match, even if they would have preferred to live on and be unhappy. The second person has not, and probably will never forgive me. I feel badly. Forgiveness isn’t for me and it won’t make me feel better if they do forgive me. The sad part is that it will hold them back from moving on and eventually trusting someone new that will be a good match for them.

When I say that I am unapologetically me, I don’t mean that I am going to blow through life burning bridges and hurting feelings. I will be more honest up front. I will not stay silent when things are not feeling right. I will not step aside when things seem right because someone else wants the same thing. I will not accept less than I deserve, when I have done everything right.

An ex-high school boyfriend resurfaced a while ago. We picked up where we left off. Well, where he left me wondering why I wasn’t enough. We talked, went to dinner, hung out and watched television, listened to music, shared memories, and had amazing sex. I felt like a school girl again. I was happy. My other relationship had just ended so this was perfect timing. I didn’t question him. I believed his stories of woe and unhappy marriages. His current relationship was on the down dive. (His words). I bought it all. Hook, line, and sinker. I was unapologetically me and decided to move forward even though the relationship was not over.

I have never been one to google or Facebook stalk or investigate people. I really am that girl that just believes people and takes them at face value. Until now. It turns out that being unapologetically me also means doing a little research.

Married with children! Currently! It isn’t a relationship it is a marriage. Facebook has them happily in love and doing family vacations and birthday parties with the kids. I am also aware that Facebook is usually glowing with all the good things and rarely (although some people do) post the down and dirty things. I did the next step that I saw as the right step. I asked him about it. He didn’t even blink and said that Facebook is a fa├žade for their families. They don’t want anyone to know how bad it is. Anyone else think this is crap? So did I.

The next part of being unapologetically me was ending it. Period. I didn’t want to live in drama for the next few years until they decided to end it, or I realized a few years down the road that it was in fact all bullshit.

Currently, I am a bit sour on relationships and finding anything that resembles what I want or what I deserve. I am not sour on love, just wondering if my one true love even exist. So, going forward, it’s me and my dog, and spending time with family and friends that truly love me and want what is best for me.

Unapologetically me feels good and is starting to feel a lot more comfortable.

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