We seem to be always in the wrong place. The distance between us is long and eternal. It is a daily struggle for both of us. I am not always proud of how I handle myself during the times I am not with him. Being a strong woman is hard.
Long-distance relationships aren’t always the best or the worst. Sometimes they work out fine. There may be defined times to see each other such as every other weekend, or once a month. Our situation is different. It is last minute, spur of the moment, can you meet me now? I’m not going to lie, that is exciting. The call at 7:00 pm sends me flying around the house changing clothes and brushing my teeth and possibly brushing my hair for the first time that day. I know he could care less what I look like when I get into his car, but I want to look my best for him. It is comical to rerun those moments in my mind until I am home after a quick drive and alone once again.
Texting makes up for the thoughts that I can’t share in person. I text my thoughts and wait for his reply, hoping it will be quick. Sometimes, it is a long wait for the responses. The answers don’t always match my mood when they come in. The need for a face-to-face conversation is tangible, but when we are together, all I want to do is touch him, hear about his life, and what is happening on his side of the world. he asks how I am and wants to know what I am doing and what I have been up to. My answer is always the same. Nothing new. How can I tell him I’m just alone and miserable? I put off seeing people because I don’t want to miss an opportunity to see him. I have recently lost another relationship because he could tell my heart wasn’t into spending time with him. I just respond, nothing new to tell. Perhaps, it is me that is in the wrong place.
I am not sure that either of us is in the wrong place. I know he is where he needs to be, taking care of what he needs to. That doesn’t make me feel any better. To be honest, at times it makes it worse. I feel guilty about feeling angry about our distance and our situation. I feel guilty for needing and wanting him so badly. I feel ridiculous for feeling these things.
I have always been a strong person. I have been through a lot in my life, like most of us have, and I have done what I needed to do to get back up after being knocked down and moved forward. In life as well as in relationships, I have had my fair share of battles. Some were won, some were lessons learned, and some were both of those things. Being a strong woman doesn’t mean I am bulletproof. I know my place, I know my role, and I know where I stand. Most of the time, I handle this all much better than it sounds. I have my dog, and as silly as that sounds, he makes me smile and keeps me busy. I have friends and family that check in on me. That doesn’t help me much when I am alone in bed, wishing he was beside me, breathing slowly and steadily, allowing me to fall hypnotically into sleep next to him.
I want a relationship or relationships that I can enjoy in between the times that I see him. I want to meet other people and spend time going out and having fun when I can. Although I seem to be subconsciously sabotaging those attempts as well.
He and I may not be in the wrong places, but it always feels wrong to me.