• Thoughts,  Vanilla

    Beach lessons – Thoughts

    The ocean never disappoints. As soon as I think it is redundant a new form or new shaped wave appears and surprises and impressed me. Redundancy and insanity doing the same thing over again don’t apply here.  My beach lessons are always deep and thoughtful. My thoughts pour out like the rain and swirl like the wind and in front of the powerful waves and guarding moon I find it is easier to sort them. Once again I am reminded that my connection to this wonder of nature is strong and should not be ignored. I owe it and myself the commitment to spend time together. The sun, moon, and…

  • The beach where peace is found
    Thoughts,  Vanilla

    Beach lessons – Sunday morning thoughts

    I didn’t bring the laptop this weekend and hate publishing from my phone but some thoughts can’t wait.  It is Sunday morning.  It is time for beach lessons. I wanted a tech-free weekend with no responsibilities. The beach has always been my healing reflective place. My therapy. Younger me always thought I had to be on the beach tanning to get that. My older self has learned that things have changed. I have had a rough four years and many parts of those struggles continue. Some will always be in the front of the line and some will move from back to front from time to time. I will feel…

  • 30 Days of D/s,  Learning the Hard Way,  Thoughts

    Negative Emotions

    How do you handle negative emotions like anger, jealousy, and fear now? My past four years have been nothing but negative emotions honestly.  My daughter’s addiction to heroin was revealed in December of 2014.  2015, getting her clean.  2016, keeping her clean and healthy.  2017, still working on getting my daughter on track, the end of my 15 year relationship and the loss of my beautiful farm and horses, etc.  2018, the death of my second father and supporting my mother and the possible end of my D/s relationship as my Dom struggles to figure out his situation.  Nothing but negative. By all accounts, I should be in the fetal…

  • 30 Days of D/s,  Learning the Hard Way,  Thoughts

    Handling Conflict

    How do you handle conflict now? Conflict is extremely difficult for me.  I go back to my always wanting to make everyone happy and never wanting people to struggle, and feeling bad if I can’t fix things.  So, conflict with me as a participant in the conflict is extremely difficult.  I struggle.  I will typically back down and just give in, even on things I feel passionate about.   I have major guilt for certain things that happened with my daughter and her step parental figures where I should have stepped in and didn’t.   I’d like to think I have learned from this, but sadly, I feel like it is still…